Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Vomit Theorem

There are all kinds of scientists in the world, and they come up with all kinds of theorems and what-have-you to describe and quantify our lives.

In light of this, I have been pondering vomit. (There is a dearth of vomit theorems, and who better to cure this?)

It was not very long ago that I inadvertently ate a fermented quail egg. I was not informed at the time that it was fermented. Oy! It had a vomit ranking of 5, and in addition, I am pretty sure that I felt a beak slide down my throat.

Here is how to rank your next vomitary experience.

Level 1 – You think to yourself, “My this is unusually unsavory” and then you do nothing, but smile to your host.
Level 2 - You think to yourself, “Ugh! This is gross!” You debate the merits of sticking
your finger down your throat, but decide against it and instead stick to
surreptitiously hiding the remaining food while your host is not looking.
Level 3 - You think to yourself, “Why am I friends with the person feeding me?”, and while the host is not looking, you hide behind your napkin and dry heave until your jaw aches
Level 4 - You think to yourself, “They are trying to kill me!” While you wish to be
nonchalant, against your will your body revolts against the disgusting food, and you are racked with gastrointestinal heavings that force the food out one end or the other. When it come outs you mouth, it seems that your jaw unhinges and a stream of filth that is somehow more voluminous than the food you ate shoots out. This is so sudden, violent, loud, and high velocity that on-lookers will swear that you are being exorcised. In some cases, the onlookers rushed to murder the person vomiting to put them out of their misery, and to kill the demon possessing them. Do yourself a favor and say a loud Pax Vobiscum when you are done spewing. This may convince the onlookers not to kill you as you are still in control of your faculties and speaking perfectly normal Latin again. Usually a level 4 event pretty much ends the dinner, and any other interaction with the would-be poisoner.
Level 5 - This level is many times worse than level 4. You think nothing. You go blind.
All time stops. The putrefaction of the repulsive food now holds the entire meaning of your life. Unlike the level four, the food is so ghastly that your throat clamps shut and it is physically impossible for you to throw it up. You cannot speak. Your hands will not move, so you can’t dial 911. Satan himself actually feels bad for you. You will yourself to stop existing in order to stop the misery, but this does not work since you can’t will yourself to stop existing anymore than you can grab your belt and pick yourself up. You taste cells die a torturous death, and parts of your brain begin shutting down. This may last any length of time depending on what exactly you ate, but when it finally stops, you will feel like you are coming out of a coma. Some people have experienced a level 5 so intense that they lost all will to live, and died.

I hope this has been educational for you.

1 comment:

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