Monday, May 15, 2006

Emergency! What to do if you become a vampire (or vampiress)

1. Do not pick off friends, family or neighbors of the Hero one at a time. This annoys the Hero and drives him into action. They'll still be there after he is dead.
There are thousands of sickos out there who want to be vampires. Why pick someone who doesn't?
2. The Hero will come armed with holy water, a cross and a stake. I will come armed with a 5.56 mm assault rifle and grenades. If the Hero has to cross open ground, there is no better way to reach out and touch someone than with a sniper rifle.
3. Equip your home with a marvelous device called a burglar alarm with an automatic dialer. It will be difficult for the Hero to kill me while under arrest for attempted breaking and entering.
4. Do not engage in a battle of wits with the Hero. You plan on killing him anyway, so what's the point?
5. Do not dismiss a Hero as a mere mortal because he does not have my centuries of experience. Even inexperienced losers can get lucky.
6. There will be no windows, doors, elevator shafts, or air vents accessing my hidden lair that have any sort of access to the outside and down which sunlight can be directed using mirrors.
7. When you kidnap the Hero's true love to make her your concubine and eternal slave, do not show her off to goad the Hero into making an attack. That will goad the Hero into making an attack.
8. Your home should not have wooden furniture, the legs of which become sharp, pointed sticks at inopportune moments.
9. Your home may have mirrors, but locate them in places such, as the bathroom, where you are unlikely to be at the same time as the Hero.
10. The blood in the refrigerator will be stored in a tomato juice container, and there will be ordinary food in there for camouflage.
11. Get a voice coach and change your name. "Hi, I'm Bob," is less suspicious than "I am Dra--cu--la."
12. Force yourself to look concerned (not hungry) when someone accidently cuts himself.
13. Don’t be obsessed with hand-to-hand combat. Carry at least a .38 so that if Van Helsing is holding you at bay with a religious symbol, or you are unable to use your vampiric powers, just open fire.
14. Do not take blood from people who take cocaine, speed or other addictive drugs.
All servants, concubines and assorted slaves must be under strict orders not to show excessive devotion to you in public.
15. Since it will be the last thing they would expect, hire a Mafia hit team to take out the Hero and his friends. Let's see the crucifix protect them from an Uzi. (And if it does, you will immediately leave town, having been spying on them from several blocks away via a convenient hard-to-trace method of your choice.)
16. All the cutlery in your house should be either stainless steel or plastic - no silver. (Besides, you might accidentally cut yourself.) Ideally, the steel will have a special surface that makes it look like silver, so the Hero will waste his time trying to stab you with it. Sucker!
17. Make lots of long-term investments. With the great wealth you get from that, you shall endow a genetics program aimed at producing cows whose udders secrete human blood or a palatable imitation thereof. Then you can go to McDonald's for dinner instead of bothering the Hero's womenfolk.

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