Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Becoming an Evil Overlord

Since adding an article on what to do if you become a Vampire, I got many complaints from people saying that I was discriminating against evil overlords. To remedy this, The Daily Skinny has done some research...

What to do if you become an EVIL OVERLORD

1. The noble half-brother whose throne you usurped should be killed; not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon. (Silly Jaredites!)

2. The magical item which is the source of your power should not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity where ugly short people can obtain it against all odds. Don't be stupid with the source of your power - It should be in your safety-deposit box.

3. When you have captured your nemesis and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" Say, "No." and shoot him. On second thought, shoot him and then say "No."

4. Do not include a self-destruct mechanism for your lair unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it should not be a large red button labeled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" should instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it.

5. Do not interrogate your enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside your borders will work just as well. (This is called the George Bush Method)

6. One of your advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation. Also this will make the TV movie of your evil plot more interesting.

7. Never employ any device with a digital countdown. If you find that you can't get along without one, set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just barely putting his plan into operation.

8. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, do not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

9. No matter how tempted you are with the prospect of unlimited power, as a general rule, do not consume any energy field bigger than your head.

10. Never say the words, "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

11. Dress in bright and cheery colors, to throw your enemies into confusion. (You might even try randomly breaking out in song.)

12. All naive, busty tavern wenches in your realm should be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no romantic subplot for the hero.

13. Never turn yourself into a snake. Seriously. It never helps.

14. Do not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. Also, keep the only key to the cell door on your person instead of handing out copies to every low IQ guard in the prison.

15. If your trusted lieutenant tells me you the Legions of Terror are losing a battle, you should believe him. After all, he's your trusted lieutenant.

16. Never be chivalrous or sporting. If you obtain an unstoppable super-weapon, use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

17. Once your power is secure, destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.

18. The deformed mutants, zombies and odd-ball psychotics should have a place in your Legions of Terror. However before you send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, you should first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.

19. If you must have computer systems with publicly available terminals, the maps they display of your complex should have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room should be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room should be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.

20. When your guards split up to search for intruders, they should always travel in groups of at least two. They should be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.

21. Do not tell your Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command should be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."

22. Never construct walkways directly over vats of hazardous chemicals.

23. If you ever talk to the hero on the phone, you must not taunt him. Instead you will say that his dogged perseverance has given you new insight on the futility of your evil ways and that if he leaves you alone for a few months of quiet contemplation you will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)

24. You should see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes and with the accent of an outlander REGULARLY climb some monument in the main square of the capital and denounce me, claim to know the secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the citizens will be jaded in case the real thing ever comes along.

1 comment:

Tickle Fighter said...

Nice! I love the advice. I'll keep it in mind.