Unnatural Deaths “He” doesn’t want you to know about

Or Persnickety Dipstick’s Series of Idiotic Events

If you can’t follow sarcasm in a written form, you are going to have problems reading this. ;)

I saw an infomercial the other day regarding lowering your debt which I thought was misleading and oversimplified financial topics. So I decided to sick The Daily Skinny on him. Let's talk about his legal issues, and then briefly look at some of his products.

The Federal Trade Commission (FTC) is continuously suing Kevin Trudeau for various forms of deception and fraud. A court order currently restricts his ability to promote and sell any product or service (Kevin is the victim here); however, he is permitted to promote books and other publications due to free-speech protection under the First Amendment. But he's not allowed to promote or sell products or services. That is how much the FTC trusts Kevin Trudeau. It is clear to me that I must trust him also.

1990
Kevin posed as a doctor, so he could get away with depositing $80,000 in false checks. Trudeau was convicted of fraud and larceny.

1991
Kevin gathered the credit card numbers of people who bought his product "Mega Memory". He used these numbers to make $122,735.68 in fraudulent charges. He told the court that the charges weren’t fraudulent, but were created by a series of math errors. Kev was convicted and did two years in the pokie for it. Of course he claims he is a changed man, blah blah blah… wants to help people blah blah blah. But don’t worry. His legal problems continue. (I don’t know why that cheers me up.)

1996
While he was in jail, Kevin met Jules Leib. Jules (I call him Julie) was a cocaine dealer (he was also innocent ;) ). They started an illegal pyramid scheme and called the company “Nutrition for Life”. In 1996, both men were sued by 8 different states, and the Securities & Exchange Commission. Trudeau settled out of court and agreed to change the functioning of the company. Unfortunately, Kevin only knew a few kinds of shapes and pyramids were his favorite. The State of Michigan was so ticked that they banned him from doing any business in their state. (I LOVE Michigan!)

1997
Some of the stockholders of Nutrition for Life sued Kevin for misrepresenting and omitting important information about Nutrition for Life’s business. (So much for him turning over a new leaf.) Kevin’s little business was found guilty and had to pay 2 million dollars to the individuals involved in the lawsuit. He was also ordered to pay their $600,000 in legal costs.

1998
Kevin made a bunch of infomercials for “Mega Memory System,” “Addiction Breaking System,” “Action Reading,” “Eden's Secret,” “Mega Reading”… and my personal favorite, “Hair Farming” (I don’t even know what to say to that.) His Hair farming was so amazing that he said it would cure baldness for all of the human race. In a surprising let down, there is still baldness 11 years later. His addiction breaking program claimed it could eliminate addictions in 60 seconds. (I think it involved some kind of coma, but I couldn’t say for sure). Incidentally, like many crackpots, he uses a lot of terms like “quantum physics” which he knows nothing about. Most of the time the word “quantum” is involved, it is a scam. Write it down. The Federal Trade Commission sued him for false advertising; Kevin was found guilty and fined $500,000.

2003
The FTC filed a complaint against Kevin (and a bunch of his companies) stating that disease-related claims for his “Coral Calcium Supreme” and “Biotape” were false and unsubstantiated. To save some time and money, Kevin signed a stipulation that this was true, and he promised to stop making fraudulent claims about his products. I also heard that the FTC prepared a motion to stop Kevin from tucking his shirt into his underpants. I guess they never filed it though.

Summer 2004
Kevin is found in contempt of court for violating the agreement he signed the previous year, by continuing to claim “Coral Calcium” cures cancer and a host of other illnesses. To protect the public, Kevin is ordered to cease all marketing for “Coral Calcium” products.

Fall 2004
Unfortunately, Kevin couldn’t keep his mouth shut very long, and was sued by a customer for his claims related to “Coral Calcium” curing cancer, and “Biotape” curing severe pain. He settled the suit by paying $2 million, and the court banned him from making infomercials. Unfortunately, Kevin got them to make an exception for infomercials which promote books. Kevin is the MacGuyver of the criminal world, I swear.

2005
Kevin realizes that it is pretty hard to rip off innocent people when you can’t make false claims or misleading infomercials. Not only that, but check fraud is treated very seriously by this point, so he can’t go back to his roots. (How is the poor guy supposed to make a living?) Instead of getting some real skills and making an honest living, Kevin sued the FTC seeking declaratory and injunctive relief. He claimed that the rulings against him were punishment because he had been critical of the FTC, and they had therefore violated his first amendment rights. The FTC filed a motion to dismiss using really crazy legal terms that I don’t understand. The gist of it seemed to be that his lawsuit was stupid. The court agreed and dismissed the case. Kevin appealed. Kevin was denied. (Ha ha sucka!)

August 2005
Still ticked from getting spanked by the FTC and the courts, he sued the New York State Consumer Protection Board for a lot of money. The NYCPB had used television stations to warn consumers that Kevin had been making fraudulent claims regarding the book. (How do they sleep at night?) In addition, his ad gave the false impression that Tammy Faye Messner opposes chemotherapy in favor of the ‘natural cures’ in Trudeau’s book. This not true, but why should Kevin care about that? He claimed the actions of the NYCPB violated his First Amendment rights. He won a temporary restraining order while the court looked into it. Kevin also filed a motion to have the NYCPB send a letter of “correction” to TV stations, but the court denied this request. Kevin’s case of victim-hood wasn’t looking so good when it was discovered that the back cover of the book itself is fraudulent. It has a quote from Dr. Herbert Ley, a former commissioner of the U.S. Food and Drug Administration. The problem is that he died three years before the book was written and was most likely not available for comment on the book. Kevin has since dropped all his claims for monetary damages, although he is still pursuing the case.

November 2007
Trudeau was found in contempt of a court order for making "patently false" claims about his book The Weight Loss Cure "They" Don't Want You to Know About.

August 2008
Kevin was fined more than $37 million and banned from infomercials for three years, because of continuing (how dumb is he?) to make fraudulent claims about The Weight Loss Cure "They" Don't Want You to Know About. Kevin appealed, and the court denied his appeal. Rumor has it that Kevin’s lawyer is writing a book, “Legal Strategies and other skills I learned from a Bathroom Reader”.

Natural Cures?
In his book, Trudeau claims that there are “all-natural” cures for cancer, arthritis, AIDS, acid reflux disease, obesity, multiple sclerosis, lupus, chronic fatigue syndrome, and ADD. Naturally he claims that the FDA and the FTC want to hide these cures from you. He seems to ignore the fact that there are companies researching this stuff ALL OVER THE WORLD in places where the FDA has no influence. Which is more likely?

1. A big organization with lots of red tape periodically makes mistakes, or
2. The thousands of employees of the FDA are in collusion to withhold effective treatments from the ill and never talk about the cures they hide even though their own family members are dying from these same diseases…

Trudeau says that natural treatments cannot be patented and are not profitable enough to justify spending hundreds of millions of dollars in testing, so they will always lack FDA approval. He forgets that sometimes selling a million really cheap drugs can be more profitable than selling thousands of expensive ones. In many cases, the FDA is not pursuing the “cures” because controlled studies have shown that some “cures” do NOTHING. For example, St John’s Wort is believed by some to be a “natural cure” for depression. However, studies done by real scientists (not by naturopaths etc) have shown it has no more effect on depression than a placebo.

When people on his program started getting sick and going to the ER, Kevin said that it only proved that he was right. (What?!) He stated that their health problems were due to withdrawals from the toxins in the medications they had previously been taking. (This is so dumb my brain hurts...)

Kevin makes all sorts of allegations about bribes, threats and other illegal actions by the FDA but provides no evidence of anything. (That’s how he rolls.) The NYCPB also found evidence that when people call Kevin’s number for information about the book, he is selling their information to telemarketers without their consent. Some individuals have also accused him of making unauthorized charges to their credit cards.

Weight Loss?

In April 2007, Trudeau released The Weight Loss Cure "They" Don't Want You to Know About.
Trudeau claims that the weight loss plan outlined in the book is easy, can be done at home, and readers can eat anything they want. He does not mention that the plan requires intense dieting, daily injections of a prescribed drug that is not easily obtainable (human chorionic gonadotropin), and lifelong dietary restrictions. It also requires switching to all organic foods, and repeated cleansings of the colon and liver. (Ugh) Other recommended activities include walking an hour a day or more and doing breathing exercises.

The Journal of the American Medical Association has already warned against this diet, as it is unsafe. In fact, the FTC has ordered clinics and promoters of the diet and hCG to cease making false claims about the effectiveness of hCG. Even though they claim it is safe, it is NOT approved by the FDA for weight loss. Clinical research trials published by the Journal of the American Medical Association and the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition have shown that hCG is ineffective as a weight-loss aid.

Kevin claims that the program in his book turns off the hypothalamus gland, thereby suppressing hunger. (Does shutting off parts of the body sound good to you?) He then claims that once your appetite is suppressed, your metabolism will skyrocket, allowing you to eat meals such as prime rib, pasta, and hot fudge sundaes. This of course ignores the fact these foods are unhealthy not just because they make you fat, but because they contribute to high blood pressure, high cholesterol, diverticulitis, and many other problems. But don’t worry! Kevin has his coral calcium to sell you when you get sick.

Kevin has promoted Robert Barefoot in an infomercial touting the value of coral calcium. They falsely claimed that a study on calcium showed that coral calcium had cured many cases of terminal cancer. Trudeau and Barefoot (AKA Barefoot Bobby) claim that coral calcium and alkaline water can neutralize blood acidity (which according to them causes cancer). This is not just false, but dumb.

Let’s ignore the idiocy that the ph of your body causes cancer, and discuss something less obvious. It makes no difference whether the foods you eat are acidic or alkaline – YOU WILL NEVER CHANGE THE ACIDITY of anything in your body except your urine (yeah, urine!). The hydrochloric acid in your stomach is so strong that nothing is going to change its acidity. If you were to place a drop of stomach acid on a piece of wood, it would eat right through it. Citrus fruits, vinegar, and vitamins like ascorbic acid or folic acid DO NOT change the acidity of your stomach or your bloodstream. In fact, if you took an entire bottle of calcium pills or antacids, the acidity of your stomach wouldn’t change for more than a few minutes. (Not to mention that you will have constipation so bad it would kill a rhino.)

Clearly Kevin and Barefoot Bobby don't know how the digestive system works. All foods that leave your stomach are acidic. This should be obvious. Your food has been soaking in a bag of acid. Then the food enters your intestines where pancreas releases stuff to neutralize the stomach acids. So no matter what you eat, the food in the stomach is acidic and the food in the intestines is alkaline. If you are an exception to this, then you are majorly broken and should not be taking medical advice from a convicted felon who has never been to medical school. You can’t change the acidity of any part of your body except your urine. Your bloodstream and organs control acidity within a very narrow range. Anything that really changed acidity in your body would make you very sick and might even kill you.

Let us sum up: Kevin has had NO medical training. NONE. Kevie responds that by not having such training, he is not biased. (This is so stupid I almost passed out). Here is my favorite part. Kevin sums up all of modern medicine by saying that medical doctors “are taught only how to write out prescriptions for poisons” and to “cut out pieces of a person's anatomy.” (Gaah! Must not kill person spouting idiotic vomit... Must not strangling him... Count to ten... Count to ten... Count to ten...)

Mega Memory?
This program was so fraudulent, and deceptive that an FTC crackdown shut down Kevin’s operations. He can no longer sell this product in any form. He is a criminal, he has no medical training, provides no scientific evidence for his claims, makes off-the-wall accusations about electromagnetic waves and other things he does not understand. He has been caught making up studies, and misinterpreting studies done by real scholars.

Perhaps is biggest fault is convincing people with conditions like cancer, to stop their treatments in order to skip through the fields of delusion with him and Barefoot Bobby. Kevin Trudeau's treatments are not famous because they don't work. Science has proven this. And if you want to pick a fight with science, you'd better come with some good evidence.

I could have gone on much much longer, but for your sake I tried to limit the length. Look forward to upcoming Daily Skinny articles on "Ouija Boards" and "Alien Hand's".

If you open your mind too much, your brain will fall out…

Let us discuss homeopathy. Homeopathy is the practice of diluting mostly dubious “cures” and then selling them for outrageous prices. Unlike some herbal remedies which actually have drugs in them, classical homeopathic treatments largely contain nothing, are NOT science based, and are even a little bit silly.

Samuel Christian Friedrich Hahnemann began homeopathy in the 19^th century because he wasn’t a big fan of bloodletting, which was a popular medical practice of his day. It was thought that one had to bleed patients to force the disease to drain from the body and restore the humors. On this point anyway, Hahnemann was correct. Blood draining is not useful as a medical procedure. (Usually…) As far as I can tell, this was that last thing that Hahnemann was right about. He also did not agree with using emetics (making people vomit). Oh. And also he was afraid of whoopee cushions. (OK, I admit… I made that last part up.) Sammy Hahnemann decided that disease is cured by assisting a persons “vital force” to restore bodily harmony. (Sounds Chiropractic-y, huh?) Medical science continued to evolve and improve, but homeopathy did not. After all, if you are just making junk up, it’s hard to see many improvements.

The word Homeopathy comes from Greek, and means “similar suffering”. (He was a really up-beat guy.) Try to follow this next part: he called it homeopathy because he felt that disease must be cured by drugs that cause the same symptoms as the disease. (That makes perfect sense.) So if you have a stomach ache, you should cure it with something that causes stomach aches… the guy is a genius…. So a big problem with homeopathy (other than it is medically impotent) is that treatment is based on your symptoms, not on actually knowing how the disease works. The ironic thing is that you can’t test cures on sick people because they already have the symptoms that your medicine is supposed to cause. So the only way to find new cures is to give healthy people your cures to see of they get sick. (Huh? Does this sound crazy to anyone else?)

Homeopathy is a “medical” treatment that uses minute quantities of something that in larger doses would cause similar symptoms to what you sought treatment for. Sam decided that infinitesimally small doses of a drug could be very powerful, if you shake them. Since that sounds idiotic, he called it “succussion”. Naturally, he concluded that shaking stuff released spiritual powers in the water (or whatever). He called the process of standing around shaking stuff to make it more powerful, “dynamization”. Over time, Sammy became so impressed by his own stupidity that he actually started releasing dire warnings about the danger of “dynamizing” homeopathic remedies too much. He counseled homeopaths not to carry medicines about in their pockets lest they inadvertently make them too powerful and cause a death. Then that got a little dull, so he started telling people that they didn’t even have to take the drug! If a drug was succussed enough (read: shaken) it would be so powerful that people could simply smell it and be cured. (I smell something stinky… and it isn’t a remedy…)

Want to make your own homeopathic treatment?

1. Collect 1 drop of onion juice and put it in your bath tub
2. Dilute it into a bathtub of water, and then fill one 8 oz glass with your tub-onion drop soup.
3. Take that to your neighbor’s house, and pour your cup in their bathtub. Repeat step 2
4. Take the new 8 oz glass and to a neighbor who has a pool. Pour your 8 oz into their pool and fill it with clean (chlorine-free) water.
5. Mix it thoroughly. Then take a medicine dropper and extract one drop.
6. Put that drop in a vial and success it. (Shake it)
7. Once it has been dynamized, drink it.

Don’t taste any onion? Don’t worry. That tells you it must be very powerful. Actual homeopathic remedies are even MORE powerful. (Meaning some dude added extra water, and shook it more) If you see “Pulsatilla 6c” on a remedy, it means it contains Pulstilla which has been shaken 6 times (ooooohhh!) and is diluted to 1 part Pulstilla to ONE THOUSAND BILLION parts water. (I am not kidding.)

Supposedly this works because water has memory. The water “remembers” the homeopathic cure, and no matter how much you dilute it, the water takes on the properties of that one drop of stuff you added. Tim Minchin makes a great point about how dumb this is:

It’s a miracle! Take physics and bin it!
Water has memory!
And while it’s memory of a long lost drop of onion juice is infinite
It somehow forgets all the poo it’s had in it!

(From his poem, Storm)

Not science?

At the beginning, I claimed that homeopathy is not a science based discipline. Want to know why? Well if the above reasons aren’t enough, keep reading. Here is how Hahnemann did research. Healthy people take his treatments, keep very specific diaries, and then promise to tell the truth. If they feel sick, that proves the cure works. (Seriously. You couldn’t make this stuff up. Well… I guess he did, so maybe you can also…)

He wanted to make sure they wouldn’t do anything to throw off his “research” so he forbade them from playing Chess, and other exciting games. He needed a name for his process of finding cures by making people sick… So he called it “proving”. The best part is that he said “methods of proving are highly personalised and of individual relevance to the homoeopath or experimenter.”

In other words, every homeopath (AKA "Dumb-path") preparing remedies would likely come with completely different treatments for the same person. (Now THAT is scientific!)

A major problem with Hahnemann’s research is that it entirely relies on the test subject’s ability to accurately report his symptoms. Imagine you are doing a study on knee pain. Subject A rates his pain as a 5, and Subject B rates her pain as a 5. Do they have the same amount of pain? You HAVE NO IDEA! Subjective tests that use patient reporting and not empirical testing are highly unreliable.

Of the hundreds of studies done on homeopathic remedies, most showed no value in the remedies. A few studies like one done by Jacque Benveniste claimed to prove that homeopathy works. But when other scientists saw his research, he was thoroughly discredited. There is no evidence produced under reasonable experimental conditions that homeopathy has any more effect than a placebo.

Benveniste goes so far as to claim that a homeopathic solution can be digitally recorded, and emailed to someone. (I don't even know how to make fun of that...)

So why does anyone believe this stuff?

I’m not sure. Homeopathy has been around for 200 years, and has not been able to show any conclusive research (with repeatable results, under SCIENTIFIC conditions) that homeopathy works. It nearly always consists of overpriced impotent doses of outrageously diluted substances that do little.

Don’t waste your money.

Poop Floats

Poop floats. At least that is what people tell me. I was pretty sure the movie was called "Hope Floats" but I can see how people would confuse the two. In today's Daily Skinny, we will exmine the properties of poo and determine what the ideal poop is like. We will also attempt to help you take a side on the Floaters vs Sinkers war. Sound fun? (If not, you are a fecal snob)

According to a poop expert near me (The Poo Whisperer) a persons feces will float if your body is getting all the nutrients it needs, and sink if it is not. Or if you eat a lot of BBs, it will also sink. (So I've heard.) In any case, when I first heard this I could not help but laugh out loud. It all sounded a little ridiculous. So I began googling poop (I am so glad I have an internet filter that blocks some of the visuals) and began laughing even harder. But unlike some Daily Skinny investigations, there is some truth to be found...

There is a CRAP-LOAD of debating about whether or not one's "droppings" should float or not. Some maintain that healthy feces should glide off the "poop deck" and gracefully float in your toilet like a swan on a summer lake (Floaters). Others claim that a healthy "deposit" will slam into the toilet bowl like the titanic, and never rise again (Sinkers). (PS if you ever need a laugh, picture a band playing on your poop as it sinks.) Many of the debaters are doctors, but many are not, and most are full of it. (You know what "it" I mean.) While it can get confusing, there is a slew of fecal professionals (poo-fessionals) that are available to give us the skinny. One guy, Ted Loftness who is an internist in Minnesota said, "Nothing is so underrated as a good bowl movement." (I bet he gives great gifts on Valentine's Day.)

The debate has lead to a large number of people tracking their poop qualities and starting blogs about how concerned they are about their poo. Some of them have even posted disturbing descriptions of their bowel movements for online doctors.

...an explosion of foaming bio-warfare spewed from "Mount St. Helens" and preceeded by an "earthquake" in the bowels....

Why Does Poo Float?
The obvious answer is that poo floats when it is less dense than water. But what causes this, and is it the pereferred delivery type? I saw goals on the internet... "I am shooting for 3 floaters this week."

Floaters maintain that if your crap floats then your body is getting all the nutrients it needs, and that you are getting enough fiber. (You can't keep a good poop down is their motto) Some Vegans have claimed that sinking poo is evil and is caused by contamination of the body with animal parts. Not to worry; if your poo does not float, there are all sorts of herbs, chemicals, "cleansing" products and packing peanuts that some people will sell you to force those little guys to stop sinking. Floaters are obviously against the Sinkers. They feel that crapping a rock (literally) is dangerous to the health and less righteous than their poo-duckling floating on toilet-lake. I even read one snooty commentator which said, "American poo sinks and European poo floats; it is more pure."

Sinkers claim basically, the opposite. Sinking is better for you, and we should not hang out with people who produce floaters. Poop should sink if you are getting enough fiber, because the bulk will weigh it down. One thing the Sinkers have going for them though is... They are much funnier. Listed below are some of the reasons I found on the internet for why poop floats:
1. Leaking Breast Implants
2. Negative Vibes
3. Bilderberger plots against free society
4. Mind control xrays being produced in a secret Illuminati lab
5. Microscopic radioactive nano-spiders from the Galatic Core invading the brain (This always puts me in a crappy mood.)

All of this is pretty confusing. What IS the Skinny on Poop? (What is the scoop on poop?)
Here's the deal: Stools should be like an unripe banana in size and texture (but not color). If you in fact crap a banana, you need to start chewing your food more. Some have suggested that poo should be the texture (but not flavor) of toothpaste.

FIBER
Poo is 75% water. When you eat more fiber, the fiber holds onto more water, and makes the stool less dense. If the fiber content is high enough, this can cause poo to float. That part is true enough. While some claim that you do not have enough fiber in your diet if your poop sinks, there are many doctors that disagree. So don't get all freaked out and start making Metamucil cookies.

FAT
Most crap is 1% fat. If you eat out a lot, you might get it up to 7% or so. This causes steatorrhea. It sounds nice but it means your poo comes out like cookie dough and sticks everywhere. Fat can also make your crap float because fat is less dense than water. You get enough fat in your logs, and VOILA! you have floatery.

Air
The truth is that air also make poop float. You get a little gaseous, and instead of forming a nice, comforting bubble of flatulence, it stays diffused in your crud. This makes Mr. Hankey lighter and he floats. Just a change in diet can increase the bacteria caused gasses to increase. This type of floating may be the easiest to accomplish.

Malabsorption
Unlike what some people say, floating poo can actually be a sign of malabsorption. It can mean your body isn't absorbing nutrients properly. This is not a "Gosh I wish I were more absorbent" type of problem. This is not a "I should see my naturopath" kind of problem. This is a "I might have Pancreatic Cancer, Cystic Fibrosis, Celiac Disease or Abetalipoprotenimia" type of problem. But don't panic too much - a nice GI infection can also cause "the floats". Malabsorption floaters are not like cute little duckies though. Often they are abnormally large flotillas, and leave a greasy film on the water.

BOTTOM LINE
Changes in diet, like with fats or fiber, can make a difference in your "floatability". If you are passing bricks, then yeah fiber may the answer. But don't spend your life on a quest to always be a floater... Sinkers have it right. Consistently dropping floaters can be a sign of very serious medical conditions and should be discussed with a doctor. A REAL doctor. (IE One that went to medical school.) PS As a general rule, you shouldn't trust a "doctor" who sells things over the internet...

Loftness, the dude I quoted at the beginning says, "Most stools sink; whether it floats or not doesn't seem to make any difference [in healthy people]."

Why Bald People Don't Freeze To Death

In this Daily Skinny, we will discuss something that we have all heard a million times from concerned mothers, teachers, parole officers or whomever. While it would be easy to go into the laws of thermodynamics, convection, conduction, etc. That would be dull. That is why we are here to tell you just The Skinny.

Many of us have been told in cold weather that we must wear a hat because around half (some people say up to 70%) of our body heat is lost through the head. This is great advice, except for one thing: IT ISN’T TRUE!

So why do people say it?

For one thing, they may believe this because the head/face is usually one of the only parts of the body that is likely to remain uncovered, and is likely to feel cold first. For people living in nudist colonies, this can be a problem in the winter. (I’d guess nudists have many problems in the winter) It makes sense that the uncovered part of the body would lose the most heat. This is true in principle, but nowhere near 50% of body heat is lost through the head. It is, in fact, much much much lower. In fact, it makes almost as much sense to insist that someone’s left elbow be covered in the cold. If you really want to get technical, the scalp does have more vascular surface area than other parts of the body, but the body also constricts vessels to control body temperature blah blah blah. The bottom line is that all things being equal, the head does not lose appreciably more heat than any other part of the body. For this and other reasons, you are far more likely to lose more body heat from your hands and feet than most other areas.

The really “smart” people will try to use “science” against you.

Incidentally, people who use made-up science to convince you of things are intellectually giving you a wedgie. Have you ever wondered what the world record for the most wedgies given at once is? Given that most people have two arms, I'd guess most people could handle giving two wedgies at a time. I'm sure there is someone in Zanzabar who was born with three arms who could even manage three wedgies at a time. (I hate 3 armed Zanzabarbarian bullies) Come to think of it, if you had a 3 armed Zanzabarbarian bully, a hook, a ladder, a bomb shelter, a stick of gum and three volunteers, I am pretty sure a talented 3 armed Zanzabarbarian could manage 4 wedgies at once. (You may need to draw a wedgie-diagram to figure this out.) In any case, I am thinking 4 might be the most physical wedgies given at one time. If you ever need a laugh, picture everyone in the U.K. receiving a massive wedgie all at once. Well it happened. I don't have pictures, but here is the evidence: Check out http://www.bbc.co.uk/weather/features/health_culture/wind_chill_effects.shtml This is the BBC giving everyone in the U.K. an intellectual wedgie. I guess checking facts in news stories isn't a big concern there.

Anyway, back to what I was saying. The really “smart” people will try to use “science” against you. They will tell you that “heat rises, and this causes nearly half of your body heat to be lost through your uncovered head. This is a common misconception, and is quite silly. If it weren’t silly, I wouldn’t be writing this. In the first place, no matter how many power drunk high school science teachers tell you that heat rises, it is not true. Heat is not a noun. Heat, or temperature is a property or description of an object. For example, the color blue. Blue is an adjective. You cannot have blue without involving a noun (an object). You can have a blue cup, blue paint, or blue sky. You can’t have blue and nothing else. Blue is a way of describing something else. Heat is the same way. You can have hot matches, hot air, or hot crossed buns, but you can’t have heat without an object. Heat cannot rise because “heat” as an object does not exist.

Warm air is less dense than relatively cooler air, and therefore rises above cool air. The same principle is true of water (until it starts to freeze at least). Since your body is constantly circulating fluids, gases, etc, there is no way for them to rise due to temperature differential. If “heat” really did rise, then the top half of your body would be much warmer than your lower half. An ear thermometer and a rectal thermometer would show vastly different temperatures. As we all know they give the same reading (take my word for it). This is because “heat” especially “body heat” does not rise.

The fact is that heat from your body is lost according to SURFACE AREA. It radiates in all directions equally. The skin on your head loses heat at the basically the same rate that the skin on your calves, arms, and pinky fingers do. The only way to lose half of your body heat through your head is if your head is GINORMOUS.

“So This is How Democracy Dies; to Thunderous Applause.”

Let us accept the following premises:

Bad people exist
Bad people have bad desires and goals
Bad people are likely to form groups to accomplish these goals
Bad people are likely attempt (through any means) to protect people in their group from being discovered.

That being said, the following Daily Skinny is an illustration of how tricky it can be to interpret a situation ex post facto (after the fact). Speaking of Latin, did you know that “i.e.” comes from Id Est and is Latin for “That is to Say”?

While there are no doubt some actual secrets being kept by various governments, when hearing conspiracy theories, it should be remembered that even the most straight forward of events can be obfuscated by cherry picking facts, and repeating rumors. If you come across a questionable event that warrants study, then study it. Don’t read commentaries by people who use strategies found below. (Adapted from another site)

Was the Death Star Attack an Inside Job?

We’ve all heard the “official theory” of the Death Star attack. We all know about Luke Skywalker and his ragtag bunch of rebels, how they mounted a foolhardy attack on the most powerful, well-defended battle station ever built. And we’ve all seen the video over, and over, and over, of the one-in-a-million shot that resulted in a massive chain reaction that not just damaged, but completely obliterated that massive technological wonder.

Like many citizens of the Empire, I was fed this story when I was growing up. But as I watched the video, I began to realize that all was not as it seemed. And the more I questioned the official story, the deeper into the rabbit hole I went.

Presented here are some of the results of my soul-searching regarding this painful event. Like many citizens, I have many questions that I would like answered: was the mighty Imperial government really too incompetent to prevent a handful of untrained nerf-herders from destroying one of their most prized assets? Or are they hiding something from us? Who was really behind the attack? Why did they want the Death Star destroyed? No matter what the answers, we have a problem.

Below is a summary of my book, Uncomfortable Questions: An Analysis of the Death Star Attack, which presents compelling evidence that we all may be the victims of a fraud of immense proportions.

Uncomfortable Questions about the Death Star Attack

1) Why were a handful of rebel fighters able to penetrate the defenses of a battle station that had the capability of destroying an entire planet and the defenses to ward off several fleets of battle ships?

2) Why did Grand Moff Tarkin refuse to deploy the station’s large fleet of TIE (Twin Ion Engine) Fighters until it was too late? Was he acting on orders from somebody to not shoot down the rebel attack force? If so, who, and why?

3) Why was the rebel pilot who supposedly destroyed the Death Star reported to be on the Death Star days, maybe hours, prior to its destruction? Why was he allowed to escape, and why were several individuals dressed in Stormtrooper uniforms seen helping him?

4) Why has there not been an investigation into allegations that Darth Vader, the second-ranking member of the Imperial Government, is in fact the father of the pilot who allegedly destroyed the Death Star?

5) Why did Lord Vader decide to break all protocols and personally pilot a lightly armored TIE Fighter? Conveniently, this placed Lord Vader outside of the Death Star when it was destroyed, where he was also conveniently able to escape from a large-sized rebel fleet that had just routed the Imperial forces. Why would Lord Vader, one of the highest ranking members of the Imperial Government, suddenly decide to fly away from the Death Star in the middle of a battle? Did he know something that the rest of the Imperial Navy didn’t?

6) How could any pilot shoot a missile into a 2 meter-wide exhaust port, let alone a pilot with no formal training, whose only claim to fame was his ability to “bullseye womp-rats” on Tatooine? This shot, according to one pilot, would be “impossible, even for a computer.” Yet, according to additional evidence, the pilot who allegedly fired the missile turned off his targeting computer when he was supposedly firing the shot that destroyed the Death Star. Why have these discrepancies never been investigated, let alone explained?

7) Why has their been no investigation into evidence that the droids who provided the rebels with the Death Star plans were once owned by none other than Lord Vader himself, and were found, conveniently, by the pilot who destroyed the Death Star, and who is also believed to be Lord Vader’s son? Evidence also shows that the droids were brought to one Ben Kenobi, who, records indicate, was Darth Vader’s teacher many years earlier! Are all these personal connections between the conspirators and a key figure in the Imperial government supposed to be coincidences?

8) How could a single missile destroy a battle station the size of a moon? No records, anywhere, show that any battle station or capital ship has ever been destroyed by a single missile. Furthermore, analysis of the tape of the last moments of the Death Star show numerous small explosions along its surface, prior to it exploding completely! Why does all evidence indicate that strategically placed explosives, not a single missile, is what destroyed the Death Star?

9) It has also been reported that the LEADER of the so called “Rebellion” is none other than Darth Vader’s DAUGHTER, the SISTER of the hero who supposedly destroyed the infamous Death Star?? Absurd.

10) In the video of the Death Star’s destruction, Lord Vader clearly exclaims “I have you now” then fires two shots. Those shots never impact — anywhere. Were they merely “added” to the “official” video after the event to make it appear that Lord Vader had at least attempted to fight off his alleged son? Why has this question never been answered? We, the citizens of the Imperial Government, have a right to know if our Lord is a supporter of terrorists.

11) We all remember how shocked and terrified we were in 1977 when we first witnessed the horrific destruction of the Crown Jewel of the Imperial Fleet. Yet, a few years back, when the new “Official” story of the tragedy was released, the footage of the Death Star’s destruction had been CLEARLY ALTERED, possibly with the use of COMPUTERS! Rumors have since circulated of the involvement of a California Bay Area special effects firm in the cover-up. That same corporation has also been awarded a contract to set up operations on the site of San Francisco’s Presidio Military Base! Could Defense Department sources be involved? THE TRUTH MUST BE TOLD!

12) When a Blue-Ray edition of the “official” video is viewed on a 103″ plasma 120hz HDTV progressive scan screen… one can just make out the word “Haliburton” embossed on the instrument panel of Luke SkyWalker!

13) The Grand Moff Tarkin knew that the Leia Organa was obviously dangerous for the security of the Empire, and yet, Vader kept convincing Tarkin not to eliminate her. She was also supposed to be “tortured” by Vader to reveal the location of the hidden rebel base, but apparently the “torture” was pretty pathetic since she later (when rescued) did not look like she suffered at all. What’s more, when the hero Tarkin destroyed Alderaan, Vader was actually COMFORTING this rebel by holding her shoulders!

Dr Julian Whitaker

Okay here is the Skinny on Doctor Julian Whitaker. First of all, if you are new to The Skinny, for the sake of easy reading I am not including references. This is not meant to be a scholarly paper, but an educational introduction. This of course contains my opinions, but based on my research I think my opinions are well founded. Please note that sarcasm and ad hominem attacks are not logical arguments and should not be considered evidence against him. However, he really irks me so I will be including them anyway.

I am not joking when I say that Julian’s main premise is that he is the savior of modern medicine and that the medical community are all lying to us for evil reasons and do not really want to help us.

Let us look at what Julian Whitaker claims in HIS OWN materials.

. Chronic ulcers are curable without drugs within 15 days.
2. A miraculous (read “magic”) plant preparation can cures arthritis within 14 days
3. An ancient cure that dissolves pain on contact. (I love really specific claims like this)
4. Alzheimer's disease cured by purging the body of elements that hypothetically cause the disease
5. Permanently end irritable-bowel pain without drugs
6. A topical cream that reverses osteoporosis
7. Foods that reverse hearing loss
8. Asthma is erasable within four days
9. Become Almost Immune To Breast Cancer
10. Become Almost Invulnerable To Disease & Aging
11. Cure Diabetes with a common mineral (and/or sugar depending on where you read)
12. Become almost invulnerable to disease. Miracle nutrient reduces risk for ALL disease 36%
13. Make High Blood Pressure & Heart Disease Extinct.
14. Cure your cataracts without surgery with Magic Eye Drops
15. Almost instantly improve macular degeneration
16. Prevent joint replacement surgery with a 4 week treatment
17. Reverse chronic lung damage in just 14 days.
18. Cure Lyme disease in 72 hours
19. Parkinson's tremors disappear 20 minutes after nutrient treatment
20. 8-minute miracle rebuilds shapely muscle even into your 90s!
21. Postmenopausal women made their bodies 15 to 20 years more youthful
22. Cure prostate cancer in two weeks

Wallace I. Sampson, M.D., a co-founder of the National Council Against Health Fraud (NCAHF), and a medical professor at Stanford University, says of these claims: “Don't [they] sort of speak for themselves? I found myself chuckling out loud and I got louder as I neared the end. Not a true statement in the lot . . . .”

Ruth Kava, Ph.D., R.D., American Council on Science & Health (ACSH) Director of Nutrition, said that the “statements he made are misleading, incorrect, or ridiculous.”

None of us have time to discuss the stupidity of all these items. Let us once again refer to Occam’s Razor. It says, “entia non sunt multiplicanda praeter necessitate”. If you don’t speak Latin, it roughly says that when considering two explanations or alternatives, the one which has the fewest assumptions or leaps of logic is most likely to be true.

NCAHF member David W. Ramey, D.V.M., observes: “No one has a cure for many of the conditions described. Anyone who did would make Bill Gates look like a pauper.”

Let’s Play The Occam’s Razor Game! (Choose the option which Occam would choose)

Option A: There are numerous diseases with which the medical community struggles to find a quick and easy cure. There IS much progress in many areas, but because progress is slow some people assume it is not happening.

Option B: EVERYONE in the medical community in the ENTIRE WORLD is clueless, stupid, greedy and/or part of a secret organization dedicated to preventing the curing of disease because they wants us to be dependent on them. AND somehow a man who was educated by those same people discovered 22 cures without even practicing as a real doctor. AND many of the cures were right in front of our noses the whole time. AND ALL doctors, nurses, drug companies, and medical professionals either missed it or have been hiding it.

Who is Doctor Julian Whitaker?

First of all, he actually does have a doctorate degree so he passes test number one. His degree is from Emory University Medical School. Following school he became an orthopedic surgical resident at a hospital affiliated with the University of California at San Francisco, but he never finished the program because he “discovered” that most of the medical knowledge he had been taught was nonsense. (Is this like finding out that everyone is crazy except you? I smell narcissism… and believe me… I know narcissism. J ) His own website says that he does not see patients, and I can find no evidence that he ever practiced as an actual doctor. He has, on the other hand, practiced being an opportunistic jerk and is excelling at it.

Someone might say, “But I read his brochure and he is support by the Wellness Institute Medical Clinic, the California Heart Medical Clinic, California Orthomolecular Medical Society and the American Preventative Medical Association!”

Dang. You got me. Oh wait! The Wellness Institute Medical Clinic was formed by Julian Whitaker! He was the director California Heart Medical Clinic, and co-founded the American Preventative Medical Association (APMA) and the California Orthomolecular Medical Society. So it is a surprise to no one that the organizations he founded support him. (I think I will begin claiming I am strongest person in the world. I will then form the Global Physiological Puckish Miraculum Institute to prove it.)

It should be noted that all of these are somewhat dubious organizations. For one thing, the APMA can be joined by anyone who makes medical claims. (I use unicorn powder to heal dysentery!) You do not have to be a doctor to join. This is just as well, because a real doctor would never join them anyway.

Whitaker also states that he is “board certified in anti-aging medicine” and that he practices preventive medicine. Wow! That sounds impressive! But if you check, he has never been certified in ANY specialty acknowledged by the American Board of Medical Specialties (ABMS), or by the American Medical Association (AMA). Despite his claims, there is no such thing as an “Anti-aging” specialist. The NCAHF points out that he is also not certified in preventative medicine.

In fact, the NCAHF (National Council Against Health Fraud) has been receiving complaints Julian’s patients. Doctor Whitaker claims that “the medical profession” tells “three big(gest) lies”: (1) disease just happens; (2) older people always have medical problems; (3) there's nothing you can do about it. These are not just idiotic claims. They are not even true. Regular medicine neither believes nor advances these ideas. So saying they DO say them and then calling the medical community stupid for it is just… well… stupid. It is called a “straw man” tactic. You make up a lie about what someone claims that is easy to shoot down, and then you pat yourself on the back for making them look bad. This technique was invented by third graders. Get a life, Whitaker.

The Cures

By digging for a long time in the cesspools of the internet, I found some descriptions of his cures without having to pay him.

How do you cure Lyme Disease? All you have to do is poison yourself MEGADOSES of vitamin C. Never mind that the Journal of the American Medical Association notes that massive infusions of vitamin C can cause Kidney Failure. (JAMA 1984;252:1684)

Want to be sexier in 8 minutes? Don’t bother exercising, changing your diet, and fixing your life. All you have to do is… oh wait. The fine print says it requires MILES of walking a day. Well that is not so amazing.

Curing diabetes with sugar? Seriously? His evidence for this is that he put sugar on a diabetic ulcer that was one someone’s leg. It healed! It can cure diabetes! Oy. Sugar and salt are both preserving agents. That’s why it is put into jam. Concluding that because it helped a wound it can cure the disease is a HUGE jump. I put Neosporin on a cut, but you don’t see me drinking it to cure my GERD. Want to try his cure? You can “Reverse Permanent Diabetes Damage” in 3 days.” All you have to do is take some vitamins and minerals. That's it. Then you can get back to drinking out of soda cups the size of popcorn buckets and eating like a grizzly bear.

Do you need to cure your prostate cancer? It also works for breast cancer! Well it is pretty easy and only requires 49.95 for a very complex “gene therapy”. The therapy essentially is drinking your own urine. (When I picture someone paying him 50 bucks to drink their own pee I laugh until I snort.)

Do you have back pain? I have a great quotes from the infamous Doctor Whitaker: “4 out of 5 bad backs [are] cured for good by corn syrup.” Of course, you’ll have to pay $50 to find out which .99 cent bottle of corn syrup to buy.

Other Reasons Why He Should be Kicked in the Shins

He publicly agrees with Tom Cruise that all mental illness should be treated with only vitamin supplements, diet and exercise. In an interview the interviewer asked him what sort of progress he sees when he treats people with mental illness. He said, “[We] see their energy levels increase, or their happiness ratio increase…” Gaah! What in the world is a “happiness ratio!” I WANT TO SCREAM! He went on to say, “I have been successful at helping people enhance their mood and their quality of life.” Enhancing the mood of someone is NOT NOT NOT the same as curing mental illness. I would like to poke his eyes out.

He uses faith in God as a weapon against desperate people. He says that God created a perfect body and if you trust God, you will use natural treatments supplied by God. (It is interesting to note that God’s treatments are all sold by him. I was unclear on whether or not he was claiming to be God.)

He is adamant that for our “safety” we must get rid of the U.S. Food & Drug Administration, The American Diabetic Association, Medical Insurance, the National Council Against Health Fraud, the U.S. Department of Agriculture, and all drug companies. (That sounds pretty safe to me.)

He says he uses orthomolecular medicine. It sounds fancy, but he’s just saying that all disease is caused by imbalances in the bodies main substances. This seems to be just another form of Humorism. (It’s not funny though.) It showed up about 400 B.C. and has only been shown to be false about A BILLION GILLION TIMES. His treatments involve huge doses of vitamins and minerals and hair analysis.

His brochure says that you can get a free home diagnosis. What it does not say is that you get your “free home diagnosis” by checking a few boxes on a post card and mailing it in. Gilbert Ross, M.D., ACSH's Medical Director, says of this process: “This offer is grossly mercantile and potentially dangerous. For one thing, it could delay a sick person's seeking bona fide medical attention. And there can't be much that is personal—or medically useful—about sending a report to someone about whom you know little more than what he or she has jotted concerning just one health problem.” I put Julian Whitaker in the same category as Sylvester Stallone’s mother who can tell your future by looking at your butt cheeks. Some people have called her a “rumpologist” but I prefer to call her “The Butt Whisperer”.

His anti-aging treatment is based on taking Human Growth Hormone. (This is dangerous and I am running out of ways to call this guy a stupid poopoo head.) The FDA is vehemently against taking HGH except for VERY specific medical conditions. It is not for people who want to stop aging. Eli Lilly & Co. and Genentech Inc. produce HGH in the U.S. and say it should not be used to stop or slow aging (which is unstoppable). Then again, if Chuck Norris can count to infinity (twice), then I suppose Whitaker could stop the unstoppable. The Wall Street Journal reported a U.S. manufacturer of HGH as saying, “At the dosage levels you have to go to [to] get helpful anti-aging effects, [HGH] runs amok on side effects.” No one should be surprised then that Human Growth hormone is HIGHLY restricted in the U.S. and can only be sold to pediatric endocrinologists. Don’t worry though. Doctor Whitaker has found a way around this. He has his HGH imported from Mexico. The founder of the company he works through has no medical training and in fact dropped out of high school.

In 2001 he sued the FDA for not allowing him to claim his herbal supplements cure cancer. (I wonder why not?) The FDA refused to evaluate the [anticancer] claim even though his proposed labels had a million disclaimers. Apparently they do not have time to investigate every crackpot claim that is submitted to them. Whitaker uses this as evidence that there is a conspiracy against him.

In 1995 he was charged with chelation therapy abuses. (Meaning he was performing it in ways considered unsafe, or using it for diagnoses that were inappropriate.) He claimed other doctors don’t do the same thing because they don’t make enough money at it. (Besides being dangerous, and possibly illegal) He seems to have forgotten that he made over $300,000 in 1995 doing this therapy. Poor guy just can’t make any money at it.

His medical studies are HORRIBLE. They are not scientific. They are a joke to actual scientists. The “evidence” Healing Miracles (his lame publication) presents as evidence: anecdotes, testimonials from individuals, allusions to studies, and oversimplified, non-contextualized exaggerations of handpicked findings from other people’s scientific research. Not to worry, his is not completely lazy. He has done studies. Let’s discuss one. It was a study on sexual function (let’s keep it PG) and the study involved one couple. (Big Study!) The proof that Whitaker's hocus pocus treatment worked is that the subject's wife rated him “a sexual 11” on a scale of 1 to 10. This evidence is indisputable proof.

As support for Whitaker’s claims, he points out that he has the support of two time Nobel Prize winner Linus Pauling Ph.D. That is really something! He won the Nobel Prize twice in chemistry! Twice! And if I recall correctly, he is one of the only people to win a Nobel Prize in chemistry that was not shared with other people. That is pretty impressive. Although, I should point out that winning a Nobel Prize does not make a person infallible. Linus Pauling also claimed to have discovered methods to cure cancers using vitamin C. That is a strong endorsement from a Nobel Prize winning chemist! Well you can flush all that down the toilet because both Linus Pauling and his wife died of cancer.

I close with a personal comment and then a quote.

A personal comment. “I hate your stinking guts. You make me vomit. You are scum between my toes!"

Saul Green, Ph.D., biochemist and immunologist with 23 years of experience as a cancer researcher said, “Whatever the case may be, patients who need nonpartisan advice should not expect to get it from Whitaker. Whitaker is smart. He knows what the public wants. He knows what scared patients want. With catchphrases and antiestablishment rhetoric, he tells the public what it wants to hear about health, aging, and cures.”