Saturday, May 19, 2012

Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse

Let’s start with some background on Zombies and then we’ll go over what you should do and what you need to know when there is an outbreak.  If you have not read part one, read it here.

What are zombies?
In the first place, Zombies are not a Halloween costume.  Halloween creatures like goblins, witches, etc are just fictional tales.  Zombies, on the other hand, are real biological entities, made of flesh and blood, and they work by the same laws of science and reason that all of us do.

A zombie is someone that has been reanimated from death.  Some people say they are “raised from the dead”, but they technically aren’t alive.  Zombies are just meats bags controlled by a virus (through the brain) to spread the contagion as much as possible (Kind of like Charlie Sheen).  Researcher Steven Scholzman has pointed out that technically zombies have Ataxic Neurodegenerative Satiety Deficiency Syndrome.  In any case, zombies only care about people with brains, so many of you people will be quite safe.
What do zombies eat?
Traditionally Zombies eat brains but there is a growing consensus that they consume all flesh and living matter; raw, cooked or still alive. I should point out though that it has been a long time since proper zombie trials have been performed so the details are hazy.  Either way, if you want to live, do not hang out with the zombie crowd.

How is a zombie identified?
Traditionally, zombies have a slow walk, and pale skin; they can’t talk, but can moan somewhat due to limited lung function.   Yeah, I know that some movies portray them differently.  Do I really have to tell you that movies are embellished a bit? Here’s the easy way to spot a zombie:  If someone has blood all over their mouth and tries to bite you, I would put money on that person being a zombie. Even if they aren‘t a zombie, get away from them (as a general rule).

How long can a zombie live?
Since a zombie is technically not alive, there is a lot of speculation on how long they can live. It seems to depend on the condition of the corpse before zombification and environmental factors (like wind and rain).  If you want your pet zombie to last longer, keep it indoors where the ultraviolet light and roads salts can’t degrade it.  Zombologists estimate their life span may reach from 5 years to 20 years if they are left alone.  Remember, they aren’t really eating to feed themselves.  That’s just how they spread the virus.
What you need to know in case of a Zombie Apocalypse:
First, you need a basic knowledge of zombies.  The zombie virus spreads by contact with bodily fluids.  Take this quiz (link) to find out how long it will take you to succumb to the virus.   You should try to help your human comrades as much as possible before you turn into the enemy.  According to my test results, I will last 1 hour and 15 minutes.  I don’t know if that is a good score, but it doesn’t seem like much.  That’s just long enough to get in two episodes of Magnum PI (if I skip the credits).
You can extend the amount of time before you become a zombie though. There are products that can be eaten/drunk to try to build an immunity to zombie viruses, but it just seems like a pretty big risk if you ask me (aside from being disgusting).

I should also point out that there are a lot of zombie tests out there, but many of them are a joke to the zombie research community.  Make sure you are using reputable sites.

How to Prep for the Zombie Apocalypse
The CDC released an article (I’m not kidding) on preparing for zombies (link).  They suggest you collect:
  • Water (1 gallon per person per day)
  • Food (stock up on non-perishable items that you eat regularly)
  • Medications (this includes prescription and non-prescription meds)
  • Tools and Supplies (utility knife, duct tape, battery powered radio, etc.)
  • Sanitation and Hygiene (household bleach, soap, towels, etc.)
  • Clothing and Bedding (a change of clothes for each family member and blankets)
  • Important documents (copies of your driver’s license, passport, and birth certificate to name a few)
  • First Aid supplies (although you’re a goner if a zombie bites you, you can use these supplies to treat basic cuts and lacerations that you might get)
The CDC also recommends you choose a meeting place to regroup in the event that zombies attack your town (like an aunts house in Hoboken).  Since zombies work quickly, plan your evacuation route so that you can get outta town fast.  At the end of the article, the CDC assures us that they are ready for a zombie outbreak.

Prep for the Best Case Scenario
      If you don’t want to sit around picking your nose until the CDC shows up, you’ll want to do some more extensive anti-zombie prep.  It’s gonna take some money, but after the apocalypse is over you’ll basically be king of the world.  It seems like a pretty solid investment.

 According to Fox News, the Knight XV is the most zombie proof car available (
link).  The Knight sports bullet proof glass (including headlights), ballistic run flat tires, night vision cameras and roof mounted high power spot lights.  Luckily the price has come down to $300,000 so it’s pretty attainable.

A Polish architectural firm (KWK Promes) has anticipated a zombie apocalypse and designed the world’s first zombie proof house (left).  It doesn’t look like much, but the house is built with mechanized parts that fold in on themselves to seal out threats during the night.  The house only has one entrance, and it involves a second floor retractable draw bridge.  During the day, the house reconfigures itself to create a courtyard in the middle.  That way, kids can play “outside” without leaving the compound.  It takes about 4 years to build so, you’d better get started.  Check out the website.  It’s my new dream home.  Unfortunately, I couldn’t find any kind of price tag.

Prep for the Worst Case Scenario
Since you aren’t rich enough to REALLY gear up, you better get serious.  First, you’ll need to form a team.  Take the following test (link).  It will test physical & emotional health as well as zombie knowledge.  Make sure you are honest, because nobody wants a liar on their survival team and some of the questions have multiple right answers.  My team has 3 slots left.   Currently it consists of Me, the dude who played Aragon in Lord of the Rings, Jackie Chan, and Bruce Willis.  
My test scores:
Physical Rating B+ 
Mental Rating A
Experience Rating A
Emotional Rating F “Numbness is the path to survival”
Overall Z+ - Zombies don’t stand a chance!
If you want to raise your score, use this Zombie Invasion Simulator to practice.  The link goes to a scenario I ran using Capitol Hill in SLC.
How do you kill a zombie?
Let’s face it.  We don’t want to leave the zombies alone, we want them gone.  95% of the time, destroying the head with your improvised and desperate weapons will kill them, but some think that simply decapitating the zombie is more efficient.  This prevents the brain from transmitting messages from to the Central Nervous System to the Peripheral Nervous System, and also… swords don’t run out of ammo.

The big picture is pretty simple:  Avoid Zombies, kill zombies and then dispose of them.  That’s the part everyone knows.  Here are some things you may not know:

Don’t split up.  If the movies are accurate, that attractive brunette WILL be killed, and become a zombie.  Then when you see her again you’ll think “Whew!  It’s only Hottie Von Miniskirt!  I’ll just turn my back…”  Wham!  Next thing you know she’s got your brain stem in her teeth.

Never use fire.  Don’t try to use fire to stop an advancing horde of zombies. They aren’t alive, so they can’t feel pain.  It might shorten their life span, but not by enough to matter.  Besides, the only thing worse than an undead mob of zombies trying eat your face meat, is when they are trying to eat your face while ON FIRE!  Also, burning can release airborne toxins, and you do not want a lung full of zombie ash.

If all else fails, either find Chuck Norris or get to the University of Florida.  They have a Zombie Apocalypse plan so you’ll have plenty of help.
You need to be prepping now if you are going to stay alive long enough to enjoy the zombie apocalypse.   You heard me.  It’s gonna be great!  Once we stop worrying about being eaten alive or dying of tetanus, we’ll realize that we’re free from balancing checkbooks, facebook game spam, and all those annoying laws we have.

Here is my Zombie Apocalypse bucket list (in order of importance):

1. Move into MC Hammer’s old mansion
2. Use a burning monster truck tire as a battering ram
3. Drive a hummer through a grocery store
4. Jump a motorcycle over a pool while being chased
5. Surf a lawn mower down an escalator in the mall
6. Kill a zombie by dropping a giant chandelier on them
7. Take over a fruit snack factory
8. Find food (when I get time)

1 comment:

Captain M said...

We're gearing up here in Washingtonn and anticipating the post apocalypse glory. Half of our town is already inhabited by zombies. We just act like one of them and talk a lot about brains. Seems to be working. We haven't been infected yet--well at least we think we haven't.