Roxy von Foxio and the Pernicious Product Pimps

Everyone wants to be successful.  At least everyone I know.  With the markets down, and unemployment up, people get pretty desperate for stability and success in their life.  Suddenly a friend tells you that success can be yours without the time and money that many people "waste" on college.  Next thing you know, you're going to meetings across town and voila!  You are in an MLM.  

This is one subject where I can claim to know what I am talking about.  In my more foolish days, I did time in several MLM companies.  They all have a different name for their system:  Direct Sales, Direct marketing, network marketing, etc (they changed the named to protect the guilty).  But don't be fooled- they are basically all MLM companies even if they deny it.

Utah is the capital of the U.S. for suckers (not the candy kind).  No kidding. Utah has as much fraud and mlm as the South has fried chicken.  So let's remove ourselves from the sucker category by getting the Skinny on MLM companies.

What is an MLM?
MLM stands for Multi-level Marketing, and is a technically legal method of encouraging current sales people to recruit other sales people under them.  If I get 3 friends to sell under me, I get a piece of their commissions and a piece of whoever they recruit etc.   These commissions get racked up pretty fast because all the distributors are required to buy product every month from the person in their up-line, and product prices tend to be much higher than market norms.  For example: Mona Vie, discussed in a past Daily Skinny, is many times more expensive than regular fruit juice.

 The company promises many things as a result of owning your own "business" through them: freedom of time, lots of money, and one company even promised my group of recruits e a better sex life (these are creepy people).  I think nearly everyone has either been part of an MLM or knows someone who is.

When you get paid more for recruiting than you get for selling product, there is a name for it...  It's called a pyramid scheme and is against the law. (Legally speaking, there is a small difference between an MLM and a pyramid, but let's not get lost in obscure details). If you are in a company where making a decent profit is contingent on recruiting other sales people, it is more of a scheme than a business plan.  MLMers will claim that their business is different because pyramid schemes aren't sustainable and their model is.  This is a stupid thing to say because some pyramid schemes have lasted more than 20 years!  Tell the recruiter to come back when their company is 20 years old.

Sometimes a Cult is good clean fun
I'll be honest.  One reason I left the last MLM because it was getting pretty culty (Oh! And I never made any money).  :) Many of the speeches were more about emotion than fact.  All the meetings involved loud music, televangelist-style speakers and fervent testimonials. I noticed that they had numerous ways of pulling me away from family and friends who were not interested in the "opportunity".  In addition, people who appeared to be doing well in the company attained a God-like status while those who struggled were said to not have "the stuff".  In more than one company I found out in private conversation that some of the "successful" people were not doing any better than I was, and in one case, the company was force-feeding people into certain down-lines so that the company would have a success story.

Don't Improve Yourself
I have been encouraged numerous times by MLM acolytes that I was wasting time by going to school.  Several people said I should drop out so I could focus on the "opportunity".  I got the exact same speech from 4 different companies.  I even saw one "cost/benefit" analysis of how going to school compared to working in a local MLM.  Naturally education lost in their analysis.  I know several people who dropped out of highly respected schools to work in a certain MLM.  For all the praise they got, you would have thought they had cured world hunger.

Spoiler Alert!  Last I heard, all of them had quit the MLM and were struggling to find jobs with their lack of education.

The only way dropping out of school to work in an mlm leaves you better off is if you were going to Liar McScheister's "school" of homeopathy or something.

Why do people stay?
People stay in MLMs for varying lengths of time.  The company keeps you there using emotion, an illusion of prestige or superiority over those not involved, and mostly because you have already invested a lot of money.  Once you have paid them, most people keep working for as long as they can stand to try to get their investment back out.  People don't want to be a "failure" by quitting.  What people forget is that an MLM is a vegas-style game.  It's designed to make you lose.  People also stay, because many companies recruit using well dressed, attractive people with charisma.  If you had to choose between going to a recruiting meeting with Roxy von Foxio, or doing statistics homework for college classes, which would you choose? 

People Lie (Duh)
I found out after I left a particular company, that one man who was claiming to make lots of money with the company's "system" was a paid actor.  Basically, his pants were on fire.

I have seen all sorts of so called endorsements from accountants, lawyers, doctors, and government officials detailing why one particular MLM is not like the rest and is a uniquely safe and profitable opportunity.  They all have some spiel about why they are different than other MLM companies.  Don't believe any of it.  It makes no difference if the product is great or the Pope endorsed them.  You are not going to make any money.

The Math (A mostly-true story with the names changed)
The Pernicious Product Pimp is sitting on my in couch, and asks for a piece of paper.  He puts my name at the top and draws 5 circles under me, explaining that all I have to do is get 5 people below me.  Since the company requires purchases of $100 of product per month, and I get a 25% commission, I get $125 per month in commissions!   Now, if those 5 get their 5 recruits, and so on, I get $3800 per month in commissions!  And that is assuming we all sell only the $100 minimum!  He then goes on to show a "normal" sales volume.  He does what appears to be some mathematical voodoo, and next thing I know, he is talking about me making $250,000 per year!  "You'd have to be stupid not do this!" He says.  He further explains that it is such a good opportunity that he dropped out of school to do it. 

In my most Southern accent I say, "It's too bad you dropped out of school before they got to math, John-Boy.  How many people are between you and the person who started this?"

He confidently points out that he was brought on by the recruit of a good friend of the president.  He's like a dog trying to prove his pedigree. 

Before he has time to pee on my carpet I ask him how many people are in his level of the organization.  Proud to be in the upper echelon, he points out that only 10 people are on his level.

He stares blankly when I point out that counting the fictional recruits he just gave me, the commission structure is 7 layers deep.

"Do you know what 5 to the 7th power is, Sherlock?" I say.  "It's over 78,000 people!  In order for all 10 down-lines to have 78,000 people, there would have to be almost 1 million people signed up to sell for your company!  In fact, if only 1 person got 14 levels under him, EVERY PERSON IN THE WORLD WOULD HAVE TO SIGN UP!  The bottom line is that the commission structure you just described to me is nearly impossible."

THE MOST SUCCESSFUL MLM COMPANY EVER!!!
We can tell which MLM companies are performing the best by looking at the tax returns of people who work in them.  One MLM company is the most successful by far!  The company is Herbalife.  Guess what percent of their "distributors" (AKA product pimps) make back their initial investment and go on to make profits?  .58%!  That means in the MOST SUCCESSFUL 'network marketing company', 99.42% of their employees LOSE money.

In Utah, an estimated 6% of the population participates in an MLM company.  6%!  Out of a sample of 300,000 tax returns of people in mlms, guess how many made money:  Zero.   Newsweek has shown that Less than 1% of Mona Vie distributors qualify for any commissions and less than 1 in 1,000 people get enough on their commissions to cover the cost of their monthly required purchases.

In fact, many MLM companies (like Amway) have been sued for making exaggerated claims regarding how much income you'll make.

Why I gave up MLM
Obviously, I gave it up because I never made any money.  I worked myself to the bone too.  I am not a lazy person.  But the real reason I quit is that I mapped out the compensation structure, and realized that my getting paid was contingent on me getting someone else to sign up when I knew they would never actually make any money.  My conscience was not okay with that.  Do a few rare people make money?  Sure.  But they make money by watching other people lose money.  That's not a business. It's gambling.

LEGAL
A class action lawsuit has been filed against eFusion for fraudulent down-lines, exaggerated advertising claims, and fraudulent marketing.

MLM company Ad Surf Daily has been shut down by the Secret Service (this is both weird and cool).

MonaVie and some of their distributors were sued in 2008 for $2.75 billion in false advertising claims.

Herbalife is currently being sued for fraudulent practices and product negligence.

Famous MLM Amway has been sued so many times for pyramid schemes, false advertising, and fraudlent recruiting that when one lawyer subpoenaed copies of all lawsuits filed against Amway, their response was: (this is a real quote)

"The request imposes an undue burden in that the number of lawsuits filed against Amway Corporation... represents literally thousands of lawsuits, with the file on each lawsuit varying from several pages to entire rooms filled with documentation."

What's the Skinny?
Basically all MLM companies are a bad deal.  Even if the product is great, the company is structure is designed you get your initial investment and then churn you out.   MLMs have an average annual drop out rate of 70%!  These people aren't dropping out to retire on their riches.   The first people into an MLM make all the money  and the last people in lose their investment.  That is same concept as a pyramid scheme.  MLM companies often use deceptive math and drawings to trick the listener into thinking it is easy to make a lot of money.  It isn't. No matter what people claim, their tax returns show that the only people making money are the top 1% or less. It's a waste of time and energy.  If you want to make decent money, get an education.  If you want to own your own business, do it!  But make money off your products, not your employees.

Pull-My-Finger and Other Ways to Diagnose Disease

Kinesiology is basically using someone’s muscles strength (or sometimes balance) to make a medical diagnosis. Wait. Let me take that back. REAL kinesiology is the study of human movement. APPLIED kinesiology is a term stolen from true professionals by those with no medical or scientific training (Don't confuse the two). People who are drinking the kool-aid say that applied kinesiology can give feedback about how your body is doing and how it can be helped. The fact that most of the people using applied kinesiology are chiropractors is a strike against it (in my mind). Once again, Chiropractors are not doctors. To be fair, it’s also used by naturopaths, massage therapists, and multilevel marketing distributors. Of course, they aren’t medically trained either, so they shouldn’t be doing medical stuff on you anyway.

The ironically named George Goodheart made up Applied Kinesiology (AK) in 1964. Since most people thought the concept made absolutely no sense, he focused on teaching the technique to chiropractors. Then, like most people who make up medical procedures with no basis in reality, Goodheart started his own college-o-nonsense called the International College of Applied Kinesiology (ICAK).

The AK theory says that every organ is connected to a muscle or muscle group (this is both wrong and dumb). The theory goes that when something goes wrong in an organ, there will be weakness in the associated muscle. Since there are 639 skeletal muscles in the body, and only 78 organs, that would mean each organ is connected to 8 muscles (on average). How do they know which to test? I bet if you quizzed an Applied Kinesiologist they would not even know that there are 78 organs, let alone understand them all well enough to tell you what is wrong with them.
Also, think about this. If I have had my tonsils, adenoids, and appendix REMOVED, doesn’t that mean 24 of my muscles won’t work or will have problems? I would think the medical community would have noticed something like that.

How it works
The practitioner (I prefer quack-titioner) applies a force to the target muscle while the patient tries to resist. This might involve holding up their arm, trying to keep their balance, or twisting from the hip (There are a bunch of variations). Notice that the quack-titioner has already made a partial diagnosis by choosing which muscles to test. According to the websites I read, the AK person is not looking for strength of the muscles but “smoothness” of response. That sounds more like a wine-tasting than a medical procedure, and is completely subjective. Of course, a "non-smooth" response means your body needs some help (weird medicine, unicorn pee, etc).

The Best Part
Once the problem has been located, we can then do nutrient testing. The AK practitioner gives the person a magical treatment and redoes the test to see if their performance changes. Supposedly this can also be used to test for allergies by holding the substance in one hand and watching to see if you are “less smooth” or more “unbalanced”. Alternately, you can hold the treatment to see if you get better! Supposedly, if they then try to push down your arms or unbalance you, the proper treatment will make you able to resist better. SPOILER ALERT! It turns out that doing the “Macarena” has a similar medical value (ie none). The best part is, some of these tests are done while the pills are in the bottle! The patient isn’t even touching the medicine he is supposed to be testing! By what magical process does medicine trapped in a bottle travel through the plastic and up your arms to whatever muscle is being tested? SPOILER ALERT! It doesn’t.

I must confess that I am aware of one case where someone pulled a finger and a colon infection was diagnosed. I guess that isn’t the same thing though because the diagnosis was based on the smell, not the muscle response.

Research
AK makes no sense on theoretical grounds. How does working my shoulder muscles (pushing down an arm) tell me if I am allergic to something? Or that I “need” a certain treatment?

All the research done showing that AK works has been done by chiropractors, paid for by the ICAK or published only by chiropractic trade publications. I can already see the emails coming to my inbox saying, “But the studies are peer-reviewed!”. Good point. If my 3 year-old published a study on Newtonian physics and had it reviewed by his peers, then it would also be peer reviewed. Tada! It makes a HUGE difference which “peers” review someone’s work. Medical claims must be reviewed by someone with medical training… not a chiropractor.

The ALTA Foundation for Sports Medicine Research did a DOUBLE BLIND study using professionally trained AK quack-titioners. Double bind means the AK folks and the patients had no idea what substances were being tested. The reported results were “that the use of Applied Kinesiology to evaluate nutrient status is no more useful than random guessing.” In other studies, different AK people made completely different diagnoses for the same people!

To be fair, there are studies that suggest Applied Kinesiology does work. However, they are not double blind studies (HUGE problem), they all have methodological problems and the results could not be duplicated by others. So there isn't much credible research that is pro applied kinesiology.

Bottom Line
Current evidence shows that applied kinesiology is worthless for diagnosing or determining treatment for ANYTHING. I take it back – It might be able to cure boredom. It may even seem that AK works because of the ideo-motor effect and confirmation bias. That’s a topic for another day, but the point is that if we remove them (ideo-motor effect and bias) from the equation by having a blinded study, AK doesn’t work AT ALL. For this reason, no one should be making decisions about their medications based on AK. If you have concerns about taking your medicine or want to add something new (even if it’s “natural”), ALWAYS discuss it with your professionally trained, licensed and experienced medical doctor (not some hobo behind a Dairy Queen, or a naturopath or something).

Since our minds can be used against us, it’s easy to be fooled into thinking there might be something to applied kinesiology. But if we ask how it works and who supports it, we can discover that applied kinesiology is pretty iffy. And by “iffy” I mean a completely made up and possibly unethical medical procedure that preys on sick people.

If you want to see what Applied Kinesiology looks like, and get a feel for how you too can use it to get money from sick people, watch this video on youtube. You can skip to about 5 minutes.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Piu75P8sxTo

Awesome News!
The British Medical Association has announced, “Homeopathy is witchcraft. It is a disgrace. If people want to pay for homeopathy then that’s their choice, but it shouldn’t be paid for by [the government] until there is evidence that it works.”

Is Mister Rogers a Stone Cold Killer?

Sometimes you hear something so shocking that you almost wet yourself. Maybe something like “some TV channels will soon be broadcasting in 3d” or “cordless battery charging is now an option”. It happened to me this morning. Someone said to me, “Mister Rogers is a military sniper – he’s waxed over 100 people”. At first I was not surprised. I mean, he’s good with children so that makes sense. But then I remembered Mister Rogers wore creepy cardigans, and it made me very skeptical. NO Sniper would wear a cardigan.

According to my expert, Fred McFeely Rogers was a marine sharpshooter in the Vietnam war. Let’s just back up to ask, “Who gives their kid a middle name of ‘McFeely’?” I watched a few shows for research, and used my keen eye to watch for evidence of sniperhood. My I suggest that he wears long sleeves to cover his numerous tattoos, one of which is a body count on his right arm that covers the needle marks. One source suggests that Mr. Rogers was indeed a sniper, but that he also preferred face-to-face “interaction”. Supposedly he preferred the jumper cables & car battery method (ala Jack Bauer). The source claimed Rogers would always be humming the same tune on his missions. Reportedly the person later recognized the tune as being used for the theme of Mr. Rogers Neighborhood.

Some have suggested that Mr. Rogers was the second gunman on the grassy knoll, because investigators found a creepy marionette on the site.

I was told by my original source this morning that all of this is being covered up by BIG TELEVISION. Turns out that Mr. Rogers Neighborhood is a CIA front for recruiting and training killer cyborg children with the mark of the beast,who will eliminate people on the “red list” for the government.

If you are not skeptical by now, click this link and go buy yourself a brain. http://www.newint.org/easier-english/orgsale.html

It turns out that all of this horrible stuff is false. Well, mostly. His middle name really is McFeely. In reality, he was born in Pennsylvania and earned degrees in Music and Divinity. Not only did he not do drugs or have tattoos, he never drank or smoked and exercised daily. He eventually became an ordained minister and gave much of his life to helping children. For his service he collected numerous awards and honorary degrees. Believe it or not, there really are some people who aren’t hiding evil deeds. Some people really are as good as they seem.

Actually, I did find one skeleton in his closet though (metaphorically). There was a "Won't You Wear a Sweater Day" inaugurated for his birthday where people were invited to wear their favorite sweaters in celebration. That’s just sick.

Reader Feedback: Am I wrong about monavie?

I received an email from “Bruce” stating the following:

“I don't know where the blogger got their info but Dallin Larsen is still the president of the company. He didn't go anywhere. But the real question is, are you interested in making some extra money or not? If not, that's fine. If so, pay attention and I'll show you how to do it!"

I like this kind of feedback. I think I am decent at admitting my mistakes and adapting as more evidence comes out. Bruce is sort of right. In trying to simplify a long company history, I made a misstatement. I said that Dallin left the company. This is incorrect and unclear. What I should have said is that he sold ownership interest in the company he started (offloading the risk to other people). Unfortunately, Bruce is wrong about everything else. This is especially sad because Bruce works for monavie! Dallin Larsen is NOT the president. He is the CEO. Dell Brown is the president. It is very interesting that of all the concerns I raised about monavie, Bruce says the only question is whether or not I want to make money. “Who cares if the product is a sham, let's dishonestly market it and dupe people out of their money!” Bruce, I would bet just about anything that you have never made a dime from selling monavie.

I should also point out that Dallin Larsen also started the company Dynamic Essentials which was shut down by the FDA for… (you guessed it) making fraudulent medical claims regarding their products. (The company has since been re-formed under a slightly different name)

I found a video on youtube of a monavie distributor claiming that the not-so-super juice cures cancer. With any luck, the video has been taken down because they died of cancer (oh sweet ironic justice!). I suppose it’s more likely that the government got involved since they were making unsubstantiated (and stupid) medical claims. The FDA has warned monavie about saying idiotic things on the web, and it appears the company is being careful. However, I personally heard a neighbor telling falsehoods about the juice just a few weeks ago, so the message may not have gotten to the distributors.

Deceptions and sneakiness

I was told by another person that TONS of distributors make money. They pointed out that monavie posts something called an Income Disclosure Document that describes the average earnings of their distributors. www.monavie.com/ids In mid year 2009, the document shows that the average person gets $23-65k per check. 65k sounds pretty good! Was I wrong?

First of all, look at the % column and the annualized check column. Now recall that these people are buying about $2000 per year of product for themselves. That means that 85% of their distributors are losing money every year!

Secondly, if you read the fine print, in order to be counted in these averages you have to have recruited at least one person AND earned a bonus AND been active in the previous 8 weeks. So their “averages” don’t even include all their employees!

Thirdly, the government requires companies like this to file a report on distributor earnings. For monavie it shows that 90% of their “commissions” were people getting sales discounts on their own product. (In other words, they are counting products that people sell to themselves in their sales numbers).

Fourthly, since their impressive income numbers only count people getting commissions, and only 1% of distributors earn commissions (Newsweek), this means that only .85% of distributors make money! (So sorry Bruce)

What’s the Skinny?

The Income Disclosure Statement is for marketing purposes. They have left out the information that makes their numbers look bad. It exists to convince people who are bad at math that they should spend $2,000 per year for a juice which seems to have no effect other than to make people gullible.

Ridiculous claims of monavie saving people from outlandish diseases and situations are everywhere and they are FALSE. Maybe I’m crazy for thinking this, but not everything we hear is true.

The company is a house of cards. It will look sweet and tempting while being built, but eventually it WILL collapse. (That is unless they make some major changes)

Skeptical thinking means we follow the evidence wherever it leads (even if we don’t like it). It should not be confused with cynicism which is only following the contrary evidence . I would bet that most “magical” juice distributors are not dishonest. They may even think they are doing people a favor by selling to them. Do them a favor by helping them to stop drinking the kool-aid and think more skeptically.

Choosing a College

I recently read that unemployment is around 20% for people without a high school diploma, and 10% for people who got through high school. Do you know what it is for college graduates? 5%. So smart people everywhere are starting to realize they need more education. That’s fantastic. Unfortunately, not all schools are created equal. Actually, schools range from amazing to fraudulent. Today’s Daily Skinny is about recognizing a bad school, so you can stay away. I should point out that these opinions are based on my own research, and may not paint the whole picture. Don’t make a decision about what school to attend without consulting many people.

We have good reason to be skeptical regarding small colleges that almost no one has heard of. Any idiot can start their own school. I know, because I’ve started doing it. My co-conspirator and Daily Skinny supporter Rosita Belladonkenstein and I have formed The Franklin Institute of Advanced Study. It’s an incredible place to learn! Naturally, our motto is “We put the “G” in Higher Education”. Sign up now! We are accredited by the NPCDR! The N stands for “National” so you know our college is tops! For $30 bucks, I can own the domain and for another $1000 I found a guy who will build a website (including student testimonials) that looks just like a real university! The school colors are puce and vermillion. The best part is that I know a guy who will print “real” diplomas for any discipline. We’re talking gold embossed seals and all the diploma bells and whistles. For $400-$500 he can print a diploma package that includes transcripts, grades, and letters of recommendation that will be indistinguishable from the real thing. Since I don’t want to be responsible for illegal activities, I won’t share his ordering website address (in his defense, his wares are technically “novelty” items). If you think this doesn’t happen frequently, just Google “doctor of homeopathy” and you’ll get 1.7 million examples of made-up degrees from made-up schools accredited by made-up institutions.

As usual, I like to choose one entity to represent problems so that we can simplify our discussion. To keep things easy, let’s discuss an actual school and not someplace offering degrees in telepathy or unicorn magic. When I lived in the ATL (Atlanta if you didn’t know) there was a school that did a lot of advertising for “Fast, easy, accredited private college”. The school was Brown Mackie College. Basically, they accept everyone so getting in is no problem. They let you pay monthly, so if paying for school is your problem, they believe they have the answer. According to their website, they offer “Flexible course schedules, Day and evening classes, Small classes with personalized attention, "One-course-a-month" delivery option”.

The location in Georgia is the one I know, but the closest facility to me now is the one in Idaho. So I tried to focus my research on these locations.

What is Accreditation and Who Cares?
Even a caveman knows to ask if a school is accredited. Scam schools know this and will make up their own accrediting company with fancy sounding names (Like my NPCDR). That’s why you need to verify their accreditation. Accreditation is the way a school certifies that they do a good job educating people. Accreditation means that an agency over a region or occupation thinks they pass basic standards that they think decent schools should have. If a school is legit, they should tell you who has accredited them. Accreditation is voluntary, so stay away from schools that say accreditation doesn't matter. They are probably running a long con, and you may wake up in a tub of ice with a pain in your side (Barry Manilow in the background) if you enroll in the school.

There are two kind of accreditations: institutional and specialized. Institutional accreditation means the overall school passed their minimum standards. Specialized accreditation is really important because the accrediting agencies establish standards for specific fields of study, like nursing, engineering, etc. to make sure that the school is providing education that can meet the requirements of employers, licensing boards, etc.

The BMC website proudly states: “Each Brown Mackie College location is licensed by the state in which it is located, and is authorized to confer associate's degrees and/or diplomas and certificates.” With a little help from Google, I checked on their accreditation status. It’s true! They really are an accredited school! Their accreditation is good through 2011. Here’s the problem. Read what they are accredited to do from the ACICS website: “Certificates or diplomas, and … associate, bachelor's, or master's degrees in programs designed to educate students for professional, technical, or occupational careers, including those that offer those programs via distance education.” That sounds okay, right? The problem is that (according to the ACICS) they are NOT accredited for any specialized programs. So if you were to get a degree in Engineering, Law, Accounting or another field that requires professional testing… you may have a hard time getting people to accept your degree and let you get licensed.

Also, they are nationally accredited and NOT regionally accredited. So if you transfer to a regionally accredited school, they will almost certainly not accept your credits. In other words, if you finish your degree, some employers and states may not see it as valid and if you don’t finish your degree you may not be able to transfer the credits you took.

The Teaching Staff
The BMC website says, “[Our] standards [for professors] include earned degrees and/or significant professional experience. Many of the school's instructors are or have been practicing professionals in the areas they teach.” Allow me to translate their statement: “We know our teaching staff is excellent because some of them have degrees. The rest just learned a lot from their jobs. Some of our professors have actually used their professional knowledge in a work environment. The rest of them are right out of school and have never worked in the type of jobs you will want after you graduate.” Also, notice they there is HUGE lack of bragging about the accomplishments and credentials of their professors. All the school websites I have seen have this.

Costs
Make sure you shop around for colleges. Numerous students of BMC complained of hidden fees and high costs. Students paid an average of $1,400 per month. (An average of 6 people at multiple locations). To put this in perspective, I attended a University that is ranked 55th in the WORLD (for my field) and I paid less than that.

Here is what some students and employees of Brown Mackie College said:
1. Some of the instructors are rude, conceited, and treat each student as a dollar sign.

2. Allegations of competitions between admissions counselors to see who can get the most students enrolled. The winner apparently gets a free paid vacation. Some students said this lead to “less than honest” information from the admissions people.

3. When a few students complained about being mislead, they claim the school filed charges against them claiming academic integrity violations to shut them up.

4. One complaint of high professor turnover with some professors leaving mid class.

5. One employee said there was significant sexual harassment of students by multiple BMC employees.

6. One Employee said BMC forced them to hide things from state and government agency's as well as accrediting bodies.

7. 9 Complaints of being told their credits would transfer, and finding out it wasn’t true

8. I found 4 people starting class action law suits against BMC for various kinds of fraud or negligence. (On the other hand, I looked up their Better Business Bureau record, and it was pretty clean.)
a. Pam Fennelly sued them for fraud and misrepresentation; the case was settled out of court for an undisclosed amount.
b. In 1992, 35 Students filed complaints as part of a lawsuit, and withdrew from the school
i. Under allegations of misconduct, legal counsel told them not to pay their tuition. MBC sued counter sued them and lost.
c. Here’s one of the cases if you want to look it up. United States Court of Appeals, Tenth Circuit. - 981 F.2d 1149

9. People reported problems finding jobs, because employers don’t view their degrees very highly.
a. One person who got their degree in accounting from BMC was unable to find a job. That says a lot, because accounting is one of the fastest growing areas in business.
b. One person finished their degree went to sit for some board exams, and was denied because the state did not recognize their accreditation.

10. Three allegations of financial aid fraud.

11. Three allegations of NACAC admission violations.

12. One Employee said some teachers accepted bribes for grades.

13. One Department Chair at BMC filed an EEOC complaint against the campus, recommending legal action.

14. One student commented that they didn't feel safe. They said, “The student population consisted of ex-convicts, there was cussing in the hallways, cussing in the classrooms... I even walked out and saw a group of professors arguing with each other…”
Other tips for choosing a school
1. Look for a school with a good reputation. It doesn’t matter if it’s a small school, if they do a good job. Interview some alumni and find out what they think of the school. Write and ask for the results of the school's latest accreditation review. The agency can tell you if the school passed, and if they found problems.

2. A big school may get you better programs for your field. Sometimes the cost is worth it.

3. A small college will probably have smaller classes and more one-on-one time with professors.

4. Large universities tend to have a central advising office and at small colleges the advising is frequently handled by the professors. One is likely to be more professional, but the other may be more personal.

5. If your school prints tuition coupons in the Sunday comics, GET OUT NOW!

6. Find out the schools graduation rate. If it’s much less than 50%, be wary.
What’s the Skinny?
If you want to go to college, do your homework on the school first. Many people probably went to Brown Mackie College and were fine. But when you choose a small school like this, make sure you know the risks. Odds are good that you will pay less, learn more, and have a more respected degree if you stick to your local community college.

Remember that any idiot can start a college, or write a book. When someone claims to have a doctorate in something, ask them where they got it and what it is in. For all you know, “doctor” is their first name, or they have a PhD in nose picking.

So when someone makes a claim, verify their evidence. A little skeptical inquiry can prevent a lot of problems, except for in marriage. You should not always want evidence of stuff from your spouse. Apparently that comes across as calling your wife a liar, and Weather Principio doesn’t like that. What can I say? Once an investigator, always an investigator.

Real Life Stories From College

Having been asked to instruct the Fraud & Forensic Accounting class, Shaunessy O'Dempster moves a portable whiteboard to a place where it could be used more conveniently... on top of another whiteboard. I almost laughed myself sick.

Can you think of good caption for this picture?

D.H. "There is never a whiteboard where you need one!"
A.H. "It's a good thing these things are portable!"

Can Magical Fruit Juices Cure King Henry's Syphilis?

Everyone wants to be healthy, and many people want to be more than they are now. For that reason, I often hear about “great business opportunities” involving magical fruit juices. I don’t use the word “magical” lightly. Nearly all of these super-juices are sold through Amway-style mlm schemes. Before you even think about buying from one of these companies, remember that they are not in the fruit juice business; they are in the multilevel marketing business. There is a big difference.

Since most of these juices are a rip off for all the same reasons, let’s get The Skinny on one of the more popular juices. The principles involved here apply to all similar products.
MonaVie was founded by a guy named Daillin Larsen. He was an old pro at direct selling, and supposedly wanted to share the benefits of acai berries with other people. However, after the company grew to 70,000 distributors he left the company to do something else.

The Price of MonaVie and similar juices
It's $40 a bottle with a bottle lasting only around one week. That means you can expect to pay around $175 a month for this juice. For many people, that's a significant car payment. The company also doesn't publish how much of the acai berry is each bottle, so you don’t even know what you are paying for.

I am pretty sure MonaVie means “The juice that transfers money from your wallet to mine” in Latin. The juice has 19 different fruits in it, and people who sell it claim it does everything from curing cancer to shrinking nasal warts. Of course, the company itself never actually makes any claims, but the distributors claim the juice treats all sorts of medical problems. (I have been personally told that it will cure joint pain. Oh! the solution to joint pain is fruit! I feel so stupid...) If this juice does half of what it claims, I ought to be drinking it by the gallon, right?

Claims
My guess is that 99% of the people selling acai (or other special juices) have done none of their own research into the product. That’s just human nature. But let’s be honest. If someone says, “Doctors have shown”, we will believe almost anything they say.

According to the company website, the juice’s power to heal, and prevent aging is due to its being high in antioxidants: (read this in your most nasally voice)

“Through an exclusive freeze-drying process, MonaVie is able to capture the vital nutrients found in [acai berries]. MonaVie's freeze-dried acai powder boasts an ORAC score (antioxidant power) higher than any other fruit or vegetable tested to date, on a gram-for-gram basis.”

Super-juices all build their claims on the same idea. They claim to have a lot of antioxidants, which fight free radicals that “cause” aging. To understand if these juices will fulfill their claims of health, we have to know what a free radical is and if the juice really has a lot of anti-oxidants to stop those pesky free radicals.

What’s a Free Radical? (The non-nerdy version)

Imagine you are grilling some hot dogs (or soy patties, or whatever you want) over a campfire. As the wood burns, it puts out smoke as a byproduct, right? Free Radicals are like the “smoke” your body makes as it burns energy, moves and lives. Now imagine that your cousin Leonard (who wears underwear over his blue jeans) gets a face-full of smoke as he walks by and he pukes on Aunt Cindy’s poodle, who is thrown into the lake by Uncle Sherman to wash her off… Where was I? Oh. Just like smoke, if too many free radicals get together, they can damage your cells. This is one reason that people who eat adequate amounts of fruits and vegetables high in antioxidants have a lower rate of cardiovascular disease, cancers, and cataracts. But all we know is that fruits and vegetables are rich in antioxidants; we don’t actually know for sure what factors are making people more healthy when they eat their veggies.

Despite what people tell you, free radicals are not all bad. Besides being a good band name, free radicals promote processes that help you make energy from fat and kill bacterial invaders. For obvious reasons, getting rid of all free radicals can do very bad things to you. Anyone who tells you that you need massive amounts of anti-oxidants is forgetting this fact.

Does Mona Vie (and other juices) have a lot of antioxidants?

The main phytochemicals (plant chemicals) that deliver antioxidants to the body are vitamins C, E and beta-carotene. For the super-fruit juices to fulfill their claims, they obviously would need to have large amounts of these vitamins.

How much do they have?
Since companies like Mona Vie base their entire marketing campaign around the claim that they are high in antioxidants… they better deliver.

The Australian Consumers Association did a major study to answer this question in 2007. They bought virtually every super-juice that's commercially available. They tested all of them and measured TAC (aka how antioxidant is in there). They also went on for pages and pages about how they did all the steps and why. You may have noticed the promoters of these products never do that. They just tell you “studies have shown” and then hope you don’t ask questions.

So they had something to compare the “magical” juices to, they measured the total antioxidant capacity (TAC) of an apple and got 5900. This number was then compared to the TAC in a daily serving of each super-juice.

1. Goji berry? A berry from Asia also known as “wolfberry”. Samples measured a TAC from 570 to 2,025 for a 100% purée of the berry.
2. Mangosteen fruit? Some people claim Mangosteen has double the antioxidants of goji. The results? 1,020 to 1,710 TAC per serving
3. Noni Juice? They tested to brands of this Polynesian fruit. The two brands measured 540 and 525, only 9% the TAC of a common apple! Brian Dunning helps us put this in perspective: “In other words, a $7 cup of noni juice contains as much antioxidants as a thin 5¢ slice of apple.”
4. Açai Berry? Acai is the touted ingredient in Mona Vie, but since they don’t advertise it, we don’t actually know how much acai is in their juice. The açai is a purple berry from the Amazon, and Oprah says it is the “#1 food for anti-aging.” Of course, Oprah also takes medical advice from Jenny McCarthy so I ranked the quality of her advice to be down there with snufalupagus. Anyway. The results of the test? A 14% açai pulp had a TAC of 1,800, or about 31% as much as a apple.
5. An orange? 2,540 TAC
6. A cup of strawberries? 5,938
7. A cup of raspberries? 6,058 TAC
8. A cup of Blueberries? 9,019 TAC

What’s the bottom line? Nearly every fruit has far more antioxidants than these “magical” super juices.

I know what you’re thinking: “But their marketing literature says that the berries have 6 times, 10 times or 20 times the antioxidants!” Here’s where they’ve tricked you. The fruit might have 10 times the antioxidants, but they aren’t selling you the fruit… they are selling you a drink that contains SOME of the juice. The mangosteen fruit has a tons of antioxidants, but it's all in the inedible rind.

So Super-fruit juices may be good sources of antioxidants… if you have been getting your anti-oxidants from Papa John.

But do they work?
The American Heart Association reviewed five studies of super-juices for their efficacy in preventing cardiovascular disease, which is the main health claim about antioxidants. Of the five studies, two showed no effects, and three showed negative effects. Conclusion: These juices don’t actually do what many people claim. Are they good tasting fruit juices? Sure. Can they be used to treat medical conditions? NO! NO! NO!

There is widespread scientific agreement that eating adequate amounts of fruits and vegetables can help lower the incidence of cardiovascular disease and certain cancers. With respect to antioxidants and other phytochemicals, the key question is whether supplementation has been proven to do more good than harm. So far, the answer is no, which is why the FDA will not permit any of these substances to be labeled or marketed with claims that they can prevent disease.

Conclusion
If you're truly curious about super-fruit juices and want the truth, ask a source who has no financial interest in the product. Ask your medical doctor. You may find that he knows nothing about it; products like MonaVie that have no proven health value rarely find their way into medical or nutritional literature.

Let’s face it. The most compelling reason to believe their magical claims that the juice creates health is that their Aunt’s Nephew’s Cousin’s dog walker used it to cure her bunions. Let’s not forget that people lie. And other people believe those lies. And those people tell other people. That’s why we can’t make medical conclusions based on anecdotal stories.

Another point: these superfruit juices have been available for years, and no one has been reporting a decrease in the various diseases that some have claimed to be curing.
It should be mentioned that many "concentrates" of fruits or vegetables are being marketed, but it’s not possible to condense large amounts of plants into a pill without losing fiber, nutrients, and many other phytochemicals (plant chemicals) You might as well just eat a salad.

If you've got $175 dollars month to spend on Mona Vie, you've got enough for a gym membership and a daily dose of fresh fruit.

The Zombie Apocolypse!

You are SO lucky to have a friend that is a geek. I’m not joking. The Daily Skinny may save your life one day soon.

We all know what people do on the internet when they get bored: read Infectious Disease journals. I was cruising the e-boulevard in geekville when I came across a research paper called, “When Zombies Attack!: Mathematical Modeling of an Outbreak of Zombie Infection”.

As I drooled over the title, I muttered to myself “you had me at ‘Mathematical Modeling’.” (Sometimes I also say this to my wife, Weather Principio, who rolls her eyes.)

As far as I am concerned, math and zombies BELONG together. Because of my concerns regarding an impending zombie apocalypse, I began reading. The purpose of the paper, from my perspective, was to project how fast Zombie-ism is likely to grow (after an outbreak) and what methods would be most successful for stopping it.

In case you are not up-to-date on the latest zombie info, here is the Skinny:

Usually a zombie is someone who has died and been brought back to life by magic, or has skipped the death stage and gone straight to zombie-hood. Normally the latter type of zombie occurs due to a zombie infection (they have a lot of open sores).

The pure, classical school of zombies maintains that zombies have always been a stiff, slow moving monster that is unable to communicate or reason. Some weirdoes have made movies where the zombies were just as agile as the living, but clearly that is nonsense. It has been observed that zombies tend to have no other aim than to eat the flesh of humans (often the brain). Not surprisingly, the zombie infection can be passed to other people through a break in the skin. Although I suppose if you were to kiss a Zombie, that would also do the trick. (Eww…) I am not aware of any successful Zombie-Human relationships, so as a general rule, never date someone who is dead, undead, re-dead, post-dead, or less than alive. Also, I am told zombies have incredibly bad death-breath, so if you plan to give one a serious kiss you may want to think again.

Naturally, zombies are very difficult to kill. They can take 100 times the damage of a normal human and be fine. The tricky part of killing them is doing it without catching the zombie infection from their fluids. It seems that the most effective method for stopping a zombie is to give it a significant head wound. Usually a machete or gun is used, but a few cases of lethal Hannah Montana cds have been reported.

For some reason, zombies tend to move in huge packs, so try to isolate yourself as much as possible following an outbreak.

Most people that read about zombies are glad to have the information for defense planning purposes. But some of you are wondering how to use this to your advantage. So, I have taken the liberty of doing some research.

HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN ZOMBIE ARMY

It’s really not super hard. First, you’ll need some coup de poudre. If for some reason you have no idea what that is, you can substitute the less effective tetrodotoxin. This is the chemical in puffer fish that kills you if you eat it. Just camp-out behind a sushi restaurant for awhile, and you’ll be able to find a bunch. Absorb the toxin into some flour to get the poison in a powder form. Now mix it with a dissociative drug. I like to use datura when I am working on a zombie army, because it has just a little bit more punch to it. If your supermarket has a deadly plants section, you might find it under the name Hell's Bells.

An ethnobotonist at Harvard says these two powders will cause a death-like state in the person you give it. It seemed like he was pretty smart, until his plumber pointed out that it doesn’t take a PhD to realize that giving people poison causes “a death-like state”. Anyway, once you have administered the zombie poison to the person of your choice, the person will drop dead. Don’t run for garbage bags and circular saws though! They will wake up in a day or so, and be entirely subject to your will. (Bwaah haaah haaah!) That incubation time is important for the zombie infection fluids to become more virulent. When they wake up, the zombie-ism, will spread and your army will grow!

This has been “documented” to work by a man who used it on his brother, Clairvius. The man grew a zombie army to work his farm in Haiti. The trick to being a success is to keep giving your zombies doses of the drugs. However, the poor guy died in 1964 and eventually the drugs wore off on his zombies. (I HATE that!) In fact, after awhile, Clairvius (the brother) went home to live with his family. Surprisingly, most of the other zombies were pretty messed up after being buried alive and then force fed hallucinogens for decades. It seems they never rejoined humanity.

Back to the Mathematical Model!

Their complex equation involved three basic types of people. “Susceptibles” are the normal, healthy people who are being chased. They could become victims of zombification. “Zombies” are obviously, the ones who want to eat your brains. The final group was the “Removed”. This is a nice way of saying: The Zombie scum that we have re-killed or re-deaded”.

The formula takes into account the possibility of quarantine and even treatment. Theoretically some humans survive, but they must learn to coexist with zombies. Personally, I think that only in a Disney movie would the ending include the zombies and the townsfolk becoming friends.

So what does the formula tell us? If an infection breaks out in a city of 500,000 people, the zombies will outnumber the susceptibles (the good guys!) in about three days. Some claim that catching zombie diseases can be avoided if your pineal gland is pure and healthy. Of course, they also claim that in order for it to be healthy you have to buy their expensive solution which comes dangerously close to causing metal toxicity (Gold and Silver). (To be fair, they don’t actually claim their solution is intended for zombies. But if they can make up fake health claims, I can make up fake uses.)

The authors wisely concluded their study with, “An outbreak of zombies is likely to be disastrous, unless extremely aggressive tactics are employed against the undead. It is imperative that zombies are dealt with quickly, or else we are all in a great deal of trouble.”

In their modeling, the only solution that ended favorably for us normal folks involved a massive army sweeping the country and killing all the zombies (including those with dormant zombie infections). Luckily, some healthcare reformers are pushing to get “medical chainsaws” in every home. That way, we can assemble an army quickly.

CRITICISM AGAINST THE MODEL
In feedback to their article, one person asked the one question that matters: “If society begins collapsing into chaos and the world is succumbing to the zombie apocalypse, how long would the internet stay up?”

To stay around long term, the zombies would have to harvest the humans in 15-18 year cycles and provide food, clothing and shelter while they produce the next litter of humans. All the evidence seems to indicate that zombies do not have the patience and cultivation skills necessary to farm humans. Because of this, it is unlikely that any zombie population will sustainable in the long term. So if a zombie outbreak occurs, just plan on hiding for a few weeks while the zombies starve to death.

I searched some medical websites like PubMed and could find no cases of a recovered zombie succumbing to their disease again. This proves that rehabilitated zombies are probably immune, and don’t re-enter the “susceptible” population. But let’s be honest… would you let a “recovered” zombie babysit your kids? Maybe we could have a zombie registry or something…

Oh. Just one more tip from the Zombie Survival Guide (not kidding). Stock up on axes and swords, since guns always run out of ammo. My research also indicates that knowing some kung fu may help.

**For those who wondered: there is no such thing as zombies, big foot, the Loch Ness Monster, El Chupacabra or prosthetic feet with built in gun holsters.**

Are there 57 States Now?

Numbers can be creepy. Just ask Jim Carey who did a movie about the number 23. From the movie posters, I assumed it was a math movie… the thought made me shudder. So I didn’t see it. In any case, it looked kind a scary. Numbers can be scary though. Some people are afraid of the number 13, and some people are afraid of the number 57.

On May 9, 2008 President Obama stopped in Oregon and made the following statement:
"It is wonderful to be back in Oregon. Over the last 15 months, we’ve traveled to every corner of the United States. I’ve now been in fifty… seven states? I think one left to go. Alaska and Hawaii, I was not allowed to go to even though I really wanted to visit, but my staff would not justify it."

You can also view the clip on Youtube.

Now, obviously there are not 57 states in the U.S. At first I thought maybe he was including U.S. Territories, but there are 14 of those, so that’s not the answer. When I do the math, I get the following…

1. There are 50 states
2. He said he hadn’t been to Alaska or Hawaii so that leaves 48
3. He said he had not been to one other state so that makes 47.
4. Given that he stumbled over the number, and later expressed concern at having misspoke… could it be that President Obama meant to say 47, and not 57?

That kind of seems like a non-story, right? Then I received a recent email with another sort of math in it. It went something like this.

1. President Obama said there were 57 states… he is either stupid or it was a slip of the tongue that reveals his evil, secret plans.

2. Since everyone who knows him says he is smart, he must be hatching a secret, evil plan.

3. The email then points out that there are 57 states of Islam, so ha! That proves Obama is a secret Muslim!
a. They extend this third step to make claims he is trying to unite the 57 states against
the U.S. blah blah blah (you can imagine)

4. It could NOT have been that he simply said the wrong number… That is what THEY want you to believe.

So let’s cover each of their steps and consider if our friendly emailer has a good point.

Point number one is a false dichotomy. That means that they want you to think you only have two choices, when there are really more. He’s a list I came up with.

1. He is stupid
2. He is evil and has secret plans
3. He misspoke
4. He was trying to add numbers on the fly, and came up with the wrong number
5. He just saw a 757 fly overhead and it threw the wrong number into his speech.
6. He was wishing he was at home putting Heinz 57 on a hot dog

Point two cracks me up. He’s either stupid or evil… Doesn’t this mean that all good people are stupid, and all smart people are evil? Hmm…

Point three. Point three bugs me a little. Point three, and their associated ramblings presupposes that Muslim people are bad, have secret/evil plans (see #1) and should be feared. It should be obvious that this is religious bigotry at worst, and at best is a gross generalization. But what about the 57 States of Islam? This refers to the members of the Organization of the Islamic Conference, and if a person takes the time to go to their website, they will find out there are actually 54 Islamic States. If you only count the ones that are under Muslim rule, then the number is even smaller. So much for "57" being so damning.

Here is the list:

Adghanistan
Albania
Algeria
Azerbaijan
Benin
Burkina-FASO
Cameroon
Chad
Comoros
Cote D'Ivoire
Djibouti
Egypt
Gabon
Gambia
Guinea
Guinea-Bissau
Guyana
Indonesia
Iran
Iraq
Jordan
Kazakhstan
Kuwait
Kyrgyz Republic
Lebanon
Libya
Malaysia
Maldives
Mali
Mauritania
Morocco
Mozambique
Niger
Nigeria
Oman
Pakistan
Palestine
Qatar
Saudi Arabia
Senegal
Sierra Leone
Somalia
Sudan
Suriname
Syria
Tajikistan
Togo
Tunisia
Turkey
Turkmenistan
Uganda
United Arab Emirates
Uzebekistan
Yemen

As far as President Obama being a secret Muslim, who knows? I doubt if anyone has the ability to judge if anyone sincerely believes ANY religion. My email offered no proof that the President is a believer in Islam. I couldn’t find any evidence of him going to a mosque, reading the Koran, praying to Mecca, or observing any Islamic holidays. The email said Obama admitted he was “once a Muslim”, but if he did I can’t find his statement. It also claimed he was sworn in using the Qur’an, but this just isn’t true. The email also seems to ignore the fact that he has been a practicing Christian for 20 years and has even publicly talked about his relationship with Christ. Sounds pretty Christian to me, but what do I know?

I don’t really see why it matters if he is Muslim or not. One thing that I love about the United States is that religious affiliation is not required for public service. Christians, Jews, Muslims and Atheists could all be President of the United States. That is, they could be if we stopped fear mongering for awhile.

So let’s get back to the number 57. The problem with choosing one word or number to “prove” a person is good or evil is that it works both ways. I will now show that Obama is hatching a secret evil plan using the number 57.

1. The atomic number of Lanthanum is 57 and it comes from the Greek which means “to lie hidden”

2. The Saros Cycles of solar eclipses is number 57. This shows that Obama intends to block out all spiritual light.

3. Passenger 57 is a Wesley Snipes film where terrorists seize control. Gaah! This is so obvious!
4. In the TV show Dangermouse, Agent 57 is the Master of Disguise. Evil!

5. 57 is the international code for direct dialing Colombia. He is controlled by a drug cartel!

6. 57 is a municipal district in Russia. He’s a communist!

7. Last of all, Hebrew Gammatria. This is where each letter has a value (like A=1) Here are Hebrew words that add up to 57:
a. Perish
b. Eat
c. Prison
d. Ruin
e. Fear
f. Vanity

Now let’s use the number 57 to show that Obama is a good Christian:

1. In 57 AD Emperor Zhang of Han was born. Emperor Zhang was hardworking and diligent. He reduced taxes and paid close attention to all affairs of state.

2. The 57th day of the year is February 26th. This is the day John Kellogg was born. Yeah Corn Flakes!

3. During the Crusades, the Knights Templar would say the Lord’s Prayer 57 times if they missed choir.

4. The 57th word in the King James version of the bible is “light”

5. The 57th Psalm says. “I will praise thee, O Lord, among the people: I will sing unto thee among the nations. For thy mercy is great unto the heavens, and thy truth unto the clouds. Be thou exalted, O God, above the heavens: let thy glory be above all the earth.”

6. The following Hebrew words add up to 57:
a. Greatness
b. Strength
c. Magnify
d. Levite
e. Mother

So what’s the point? Symbolism, historical references and numerical coincidences can be used to make almost any point. Don’t accept ideas without evidence. Persuasiveness is not evidence. I’m thinking we ought to stop being afraid of the Muslims in our community, and start being afraid of the people who create these emails. After all, the bad guys are the smart ones…

What Can You Do With a Microwave and a Barrel of Monkeys?

This Daily Skinny returns to the good old days of explaining stuff. I sort of got on a kick of revealing the stupidity of various claims, but I am returning to my roots. For you to get the most of this Daily Skinny, you will need:

1/3 cup of water in a 2 cup microwave safe container
A saltine cracker
¼ pound or so of frozen hamburger
A microwave
A monkey wrench
Some rice krispy treats
An “adult” to supervise you
A barrel of monkeys (the toy -real monkeys do not come in barrels)
A large knife. Like the kind used in late night murder mysteries- except serrated
Oh! and you may also need some band-aids

I was recently grilling some wonderful slabs of cow, and it happened. I got talking, forgot about the hamburgers, and the heat on my grill got waaay to high. Luckily I pulled the burgers off the grill before the outside burned, but since they had only been in there a few minutes I was afraid the middle might still be raw even though the outside had sort of a Cajun look to it. Of course, the only thing worse than a burned hamburger is one that is both burned and raw. (What can I say, I have a gift.) It is then that my grilling companion sagely counsels, “Don’t worry; you can just put them in the microwave. After all, they do cook from the inside-out”.

If your supervising adult is now nodding self-importantly, use your monkey wrench on them. Although I do make an effort to be nice to my guests, the unwritten rule of the house is: ”If you make a crazy claim, you’d better have some evidence”. Incidentally, it is not a good marriage strategy to demand evidence from your wife for everything she says… In my mind, I am just being inquisitive. In her mind I am calling her a liar. Anyway, I have digressed…

Microwaves do NOT cook from the inside out. But admittedly, microwaves are mystical things. How DO they work?

A special type of vacuum tube, called a magnetron (This sounds like either an X-men or a Transformer, but it isn’t). For the geeks out there, it is actually a type of diode. Anyway, the magnetron converts electric power into very short radio waves called microwave radiation, (that makes sense…). These radio waves shoot out of the magnetron at 2450 Megahertz. At that frequency, power is readily absorbed by water, fats and sugars. These waves go through a waveguide (a funky machined pipe) that carries it into the microwave oven cavity, where it bounces around. The microwaves cause the water molecules in food to vibrate, which creates the heat that cooks the food. This is why foods high in water content, heat up faster than other foods. Microwaves cook faster than ovens because they are only heating the food-not the whole huge oven and everything in it. A regular oven works by heating the air around food, and waiting for that air to heat the food.

Try it!
1. Eat a rice krispy treat
2. Cook your 1/3 cup of water in the microwave for 30 seconds, and then notice how hot it is. (Depending on your microwave, it could be pretty hot.)
3. Cook your saltine cracker for 30 seconds then eat it. The water will have gained much more heat. You have just demonstrated that water rich items cook faster in microwaves!

Although heat is produced directly in the food, microwave ovens do not cook food from the "inside-out." When thick foods are cooked, the outer layers are heated and cooked primarily by microwaves while the inside is cooked mainly by the conduction of heat from the hot outer layers. If you want to be real nerdy about it, microwaves do penetrate a little into the food, but it is still NOT heating from the inside out. (The microwaves move from the outside-in.)

So where did the idea that microwaves cook from the inside out come from? In a microwave, the air in the oven is at room temperature so the temperature of the food surface is cooler than food in a conventional oven where the food is heated by hot air. This may have lead some people to think the heat was “inside” the food.  Although these might be the same people who think the actors are inside the TV.

Want to test it for yourself? If a microwave cooks from the inside-out, then something partially cooked should be warm in the center, and much cooler on the surface, right?

1. Eat a rice krispy treat
2. Cook your frozen hamburger in the microwave for 1 minute
3. Take your big serrated knife, and cut the chunk of hamburger in half.

Notice that the outside is squishy, while the center is still frozen solid! My grilling buddy is busted! The only way to cook food from the inside out would be if there were a heat source inside the food!

Want to have more fun with your microwave? I’m not going to tell you what happens. You’ll have to be adventurous on your own. Try some of the following:

Safe to Nuke: Most likely won't cause permanent problems in you or the microwave.

1. Marshmallow peeps
2. A bar of soap
3. Eggs
4. Twinkies

Probably Safe to Nuke: I (or someone I know) has done this safely, but there are some risks.

1. Place a wooden tooth pick standing up in your oven and light the top on fire (you only need a small flame). You could stick it in between the clip of a plastic pencil top, or in a cork. Your oven will be blackened, but this will wash right off. If you want to protect a small microwave from melting, put a glass bowl over the toothpick.

2. Nuke cd’s. This one is classic and fun. Try a silver CD and a green or gold or blue CD-R. Don’t use your favorite Donny Osmond cd because it won’t work after this.

3. Cook a Christmas tree ornament (a metal one).

4. A light bulb. Don’t nuke it for very long, or the bulb will break. Stick to maybe 10 seconds. To prevent breakage, you could put the lightbulb in a bowl of water, but it’s not quite as cool.

5. Cut a grape in half. Not all the way, just leave a little skin between the two halves. Place the cut grape on a plate - round sides down, flat (cut) side up, still attached or just touching if severed. Start the microwave.

6. If you have an old flat bottomed microwave, you can also do grape races! Take some vegetable oil and grease the bottom of the microwave, then take some grapes and line them up at one end of the microwave with the holes pointing towards the wall they are lined up against. Take bets, and then turn the microwave on to see which one gets the farthest or gets to the other side fastest.

Cool but Not Safe Nuke: You may hurt yourself and/or your microwave.

1. Firecracker. Don’t light it. Let the microwave do the work.

2. Make a strip of aluminum foil (22 x 1 cm ) into a bracelet shape, wrapping the two ends tightly into each other. Put it on an old glass plate that you would be okay with destroying. The foil will melt right into the glass plate. and fold it like shown below. Don’t let this one run for too long because it is going to suck a lot of power. Stick to 10-20 seconds or you could kill your microwave. You may wish to wear sunglasses while you watch this.

3. Never ever put an ice-pack in the microwave. The ingredient that lowers the temperature is ammonium nitrate. It is an explosive, and the explosions will ruin both you and your microwave. You might think it will be cool, however you are not likely to live through it.

Happy Cooking!