Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Is Mister Rogers a Stone Cold Killer?

Sometimes you hear something so shocking that you almost wet yourself. Maybe something like “some TV channels will soon be broadcasting in 3d” or “cordless battery charging is now an option”. It happened to me this morning. Someone said to me, “Mister Rogers is a military sniper – he’s waxed over 100 people”. At first I was not surprised. I mean, he’s good with children so that makes sense. But then I remembered Mister Rogers wore creepy cardigans, and it made me very skeptical. NO Sniper would wear a cardigan.

According to my expert, Fred McFeely Rogers was a marine sharpshooter in the Vietnam war. Let’s just back up to ask, “Who gives their kid a middle name of ‘McFeely’?” I watched a few shows for research, and used my keen eye to watch for evidence of sniperhood. My I suggest that he wears long sleeves to cover his numerous tattoos, one of which is a body count on his right arm that covers the needle marks. One source suggests that Mr. Rogers was indeed a sniper, but that he also preferred face-to-face “interaction”. Supposedly he preferred the jumper cables & car battery method (ala Jack Bauer). The source claimed Rogers would always be humming the same tune on his missions. Reportedly the person later recognized the tune as being used for the theme of Mr. Rogers Neighborhood.

Some have suggested that Mr. Rogers was the second gunman on the grassy knoll, because investigators found a creepy marionette on the site.

I was told by my original source this morning that all of this is being covered up by BIG TELEVISION. Turns out that Mr. Rogers Neighborhood is a CIA front for recruiting and training killer cyborg children with the mark of the beast,who will eliminate people on the “red list” for the government.

If you are not skeptical by now, click this link and go buy yourself a brain.

It turns out that all of this horrible stuff is false. Well, mostly. His middle name really is McFeely. In reality, he was born in Pennsylvania and earned degrees in Music and Divinity. Not only did he not do drugs or have tattoos, he never drank or smoked and exercised daily. He eventually became an ordained minister and gave much of his life to helping children. For his service he collected numerous awards and honorary degrees. Believe it or not, there really are some people who aren’t hiding evil deeds. Some people really are as good as they seem.

Actually, I did find one skeleton in his closet though (metaphorically). There was a "Won't You Wear a Sweater Day" inaugurated for his birthday where people were invited to wear their favorite sweaters in celebration. That’s just sick.


Rebecca said...


Shawn said...

I am a cyborg child killer, and you are just a shill for the government! Mister Rogers really was a killer!

You claimed to be an evidenced-based thinker, but you write whatever your pay masters tell you to write!

Anonymous said...


Kurt Manwaring said...

Your satire always gives me a much-needed laugh. My favorite post is still the one where you recommend bombers set their times to go off around 1:24 just to throw off the superhero (aka, MacGyver), but this post is yet another testament to your skills....

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