Becoming an Evil Overlord

Since adding an article on what to do if you become a Vampire, I got many complaints from people saying that I was discriminating against evil overlords. To remedy this, The Daily Skinny has done some research...

What to do if you become an EVIL OVERLORD

1. The noble half-brother whose throne you usurped should be killed; not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon. (Silly Jaredites!)

2. The magical item which is the source of your power should not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity where ugly short people can obtain it against all odds. Don't be stupid with the source of your power - It should be in your safety-deposit box.

3. When you have captured your nemesis and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" Say, "No." and shoot him. On second thought, shoot him and then say "No."

4. Do not include a self-destruct mechanism for your lair unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it should not be a large red button labeled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" should instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it.

5. Do not interrogate your enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside your borders will work just as well. (This is called the George Bush Method)

6. One of your advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation. Also this will make the TV movie of your evil plot more interesting.

7. Never employ any device with a digital countdown. If you find that you can't get along without one, set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just barely putting his plan into operation.

8. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, do not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

9. No matter how tempted you are with the prospect of unlimited power, as a general rule, do not consume any energy field bigger than your head.

10. Never say the words, "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

11. Dress in bright and cheery colors, to throw your enemies into confusion. (You might even try randomly breaking out in song.)

12. All naive, busty tavern wenches in your realm should be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no romantic subplot for the hero.

13. Never turn yourself into a snake. Seriously. It never helps.

14. Do not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. Also, keep the only key to the cell door on your person instead of handing out copies to every low IQ guard in the prison.

15. If your trusted lieutenant tells me you the Legions of Terror are losing a battle, you should believe him. After all, he's your trusted lieutenant.

16. Never be chivalrous or sporting. If you obtain an unstoppable super-weapon, use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

17. Once your power is secure, destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.

18. The deformed mutants, zombies and odd-ball psychotics should have a place in your Legions of Terror. However before you send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, you should first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.

19. If you must have computer systems with publicly available terminals, the maps they display of your complex should have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room should be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room should be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.

20. When your guards split up to search for intruders, they should always travel in groups of at least two. They should be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.

21. Do not tell your Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command should be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."

22. Never construct walkways directly over vats of hazardous chemicals.

23. If you ever talk to the hero on the phone, you must not taunt him. Instead you will say that his dogged perseverance has given you new insight on the futility of your evil ways and that if he leaves you alone for a few months of quiet contemplation you will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)

24. You should see to it that plucky young lads/lasses in strange clothes and with the accent of an outlander REGULARLY climb some monument in the main square of the capital and denounce me, claim to know the secret of my power, rally the masses to rebellion, etc. That way, the citizens will be jaded in case the real thing ever comes along.

Vomit Theorem

There are all kinds of scientists in the world, and they come up with all kinds of theorems and what-have-you to describe and quantify our lives.

In light of this, I have been pondering vomit. (There is a dearth of vomit theorems, and who better to cure this?)

It was not very long ago that I inadvertently ate a fermented quail egg. I was not informed at the time that it was fermented. Oy! It had a vomit ranking of 5, and in addition, I am pretty sure that I felt a beak slide down my throat.

Here is how to rank your next vomitary experience.

Level 1 – You think to yourself, “My this is unusually unsavory” and then you do nothing, but smile to your host.
Level 2 - You think to yourself, “Ugh! This is gross!” You debate the merits of sticking
your finger down your throat, but decide against it and instead stick to
surreptitiously hiding the remaining food while your host is not looking.
Level 3 - You think to yourself, “Why am I friends with the person feeding me?”, and while the host is not looking, you hide behind your napkin and dry heave until your jaw aches
Level 4 - You think to yourself, “They are trying to kill me!” While you wish to be
nonchalant, against your will your body revolts against the disgusting food, and you are racked with gastrointestinal heavings that force the food out one end or the other. When it come outs you mouth, it seems that your jaw unhinges and a stream of filth that is somehow more voluminous than the food you ate shoots out. This is so sudden, violent, loud, and high velocity that on-lookers will swear that you are being exorcised. In some cases, the onlookers rushed to murder the person vomiting to put them out of their misery, and to kill the demon possessing them. Do yourself a favor and say a loud Pax Vobiscum when you are done spewing. This may convince the onlookers not to kill you as you are still in control of your faculties and speaking perfectly normal Latin again. Usually a level 4 event pretty much ends the dinner, and any other interaction with the would-be poisoner.
Level 5 - This level is many times worse than level 4. You think nothing. You go blind.
All time stops. The putrefaction of the repulsive food now holds the entire meaning of your life. Unlike the level four, the food is so ghastly that your throat clamps shut and it is physically impossible for you to throw it up. You cannot speak. Your hands will not move, so you can’t dial 911. Satan himself actually feels bad for you. You will yourself to stop existing in order to stop the misery, but this does not work since you can’t will yourself to stop existing anymore than you can grab your belt and pick yourself up. You taste cells die a torturous death, and parts of your brain begin shutting down. This may last any length of time depending on what exactly you ate, but when it finally stops, you will feel like you are coming out of a coma. Some people have experienced a level 5 so intense that they lost all will to live, and died.

I hope this has been educational for you.

All About Your Urine!

Let's talk about urine. We all like to talk about it, so it only makes sense that it is discussed by The Daily Skinny.

According to the Xinhua news agency, more than three million Chinese people drink their own urine because they believe it is good for their health. While it may be good for their health, (and this is still being debated) I'm sure it's bad for their breath.

Since you are interested, let me explain how to become part of this wise and eastern tradition. Most urine drinking professionals maintain that the best urine is obtained mid-stream during the first morning urination. (I know this is disgusting, but isn't it fascinating?) There are a variety of methods for supplementing your diet with urine. Just like the old kids song, "Some like it hot, some like it cold, some like it in the pot 9 days old". For the more Martha Stewart among them, many mix it with juice and use it to freshen their fruit. (I recommend hiding this fact from your guests.)

Others like to put the golden elixir in a dropper which they use to deposit the life giving liquid under their tongue several times per day. Many Japanese women believe that bathing in huge tubs of urine is great for the skin, and preserves a youthful glow. While I would not call it a great way to start your day, many holy men in India have been drinking their own urine for thousands of years. (That is, the group has been doing it for thousands of years. They are not drinking thousand year old urine.) The main attractions of this ultimate home brew are its cost, availability and portability. Besides being free, for most people there are no intoxicating side effects.

To protect The Daily Skinny subscribers, I should inform you that if you decide to include urine drinking in your morning routine, you should be aware that if your urine starts tasting and smelling like maple syrup... That's a bad thing! (Please don't start putting it on pancakes.) If your urine smells or tastes like maple syrup, you might have Maple Syrup Urine Disease. (I'm not kidding!) This is currently my favorite disease. Maple Syrup Disease, AKA L.U.D. (Lucky Urine Drinker) is a metabolic disorder where your body can't metabolize certain proteins correctly. The parts of protein that are the trouble makers are the amino acids leucine, isoleucine, and valine. These amino acids accumulate in the blood causing a wonderful, delicious smelling urine. Unfortunately this disease can also cause stupidity and death. I'm not kidding. These amino acids can be toxic in high levels. Check out http://www.msud-support.org/ where you can join a support group. If you encounter someone who seems to have severe mental problems, you might consider asking them if they have smelled their urine lately. If they answer "yes", it might just explain things. Even if they don't answer, I'll bet it will shut them up.

If you’d like productive way in which you can use cow dung and your own urine to enrich your life, take a look at http://www.iscowp.org/Nuggets/101%20Uses%20for%20Cow%20Dung.htm

Emergency! What to do if you become a vampire (or vampiress)

1. Do not pick off friends, family or neighbors of the Hero one at a time. This annoys the Hero and drives him into action. They'll still be there after he is dead.
There are thousands of sickos out there who want to be vampires. Why pick someone who doesn't?
2. The Hero will come armed with holy water, a cross and a stake. I will come armed with a 5.56 mm assault rifle and grenades. If the Hero has to cross open ground, there is no better way to reach out and touch someone than with a sniper rifle.
3. Equip your home with a marvelous device called a burglar alarm with an automatic dialer. It will be difficult for the Hero to kill me while under arrest for attempted breaking and entering.
4. Do not engage in a battle of wits with the Hero. You plan on killing him anyway, so what's the point?
5. Do not dismiss a Hero as a mere mortal because he does not have my centuries of experience. Even inexperienced losers can get lucky.
6. There will be no windows, doors, elevator shafts, or air vents accessing my hidden lair that have any sort of access to the outside and down which sunlight can be directed using mirrors.
7. When you kidnap the Hero's true love to make her your concubine and eternal slave, do not show her off to goad the Hero into making an attack. That will goad the Hero into making an attack.
8. Your home should not have wooden furniture, the legs of which become sharp, pointed sticks at inopportune moments.
9. Your home may have mirrors, but locate them in places such, as the bathroom, where you are unlikely to be at the same time as the Hero.
10. The blood in the refrigerator will be stored in a tomato juice container, and there will be ordinary food in there for camouflage.
11. Get a voice coach and change your name. "Hi, I'm Bob," is less suspicious than "I am Dra--cu--la."
12. Force yourself to look concerned (not hungry) when someone accidently cuts himself.
13. Don’t be obsessed with hand-to-hand combat. Carry at least a .38 so that if Van Helsing is holding you at bay with a religious symbol, or you are unable to use your vampiric powers, just open fire.
14. Do not take blood from people who take cocaine, speed or other addictive drugs.
All servants, concubines and assorted slaves must be under strict orders not to show excessive devotion to you in public.
15. Since it will be the last thing they would expect, hire a Mafia hit team to take out the Hero and his friends. Let's see the crucifix protect them from an Uzi. (And if it does, you will immediately leave town, having been spying on them from several blocks away via a convenient hard-to-trace method of your choice.)
16. All the cutlery in your house should be either stainless steel or plastic - no silver. (Besides, you might accidentally cut yourself.) Ideally, the steel will have a special surface that makes it look like silver, so the Hero will waste his time trying to stab you with it. Sucker!
17. Make lots of long-term investments. With the great wealth you get from that, you shall endow a genetics program aimed at producing cows whose udders secrete human blood or a palatable imitation thereof. Then you can go to McDonald's for dinner instead of bothering the Hero's womenfolk.

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